One thing it took me decades to learn is that H would rather deal with problems than have me nag him in an attempt to prevent problems.
For example, one time shortly after BD, H was taking kids to the dentist. When I would have left the house, they were still there. I bit my tongue hard and didn't say anything about it being time to leave. They left when H wanted, ran into construction and arrived late enough that H had to reschedule for a different day.
He was good with that. Had I nagged, they might have made the appointment, but he would have felt disrespected.
He would rather miss the appointment than feel like I don't trust him to do things successfully.
So now, I try really hard not to nag.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Rose - this has historically been a big issue looking back. H always thought I was mothering him by instructing him what I thought he should do. I've really stepped back from this, but don't have many opportunities to show the change since he moved out.
Hi Rose. That was a big issue in my MR as well. My H is quite forgetful and in actuality, has become quite reliant on my reminders - but he also resented me for them. I have completely stepped back from reminding him about anything or making any suggestions about how to do something "better" unless he asks me for help. For the most part, he has done really well with it. Don't know if he has noticed my 180 on this but he seems happier when he is around me. I really hate the hindsight is 20/20. I wish foresight could be that way too.
Saw H a few times this week as he sets up for Halloween. We will be doing it big tonight. It's so weird. He comes over and it's like nothing is happening. Chit Chat. Easy and not strained. For example this morning he arrives early:
H: The place I'm at now doesn't have strong WiFi. Have to get a bit of work done before I work on Halloween stuff. M: How's your new place. H: It's a lot better than the dump I was in. M: Glad to hear that. H: I don't know if I'll get back to the gym. It's kind of far. May look into one closer to where I'm staying. M: I can see why you would do that ( while secretly thinking why pay for another gym when you are suppose to only be out for 1 more month then we reassess.?) H: I will be around next week but travel the week after. M: I remember you mentioning that. I had forgotten when you were going.
He then takes a work call and I go to work.
It's a little weird. We start Month #2 tomorrow with him out.
Here's a question I could use help on: If we are close to the end of the month, and he mentions nothing about R, what should I do? Should I just let him initiate any conversation on whether he plans to extend his absence? I plan to ask him to celebrate Thanksgiving with us for the kids sake. So maybe wait until after that and see what happens?
I realized I'm not in any hurry for him to determine whether he wants to work on the marriage or not. I'm GAL and enjoying it for the most part!
Get to see S21 this weekend, and have plans Friday night and Sunday night, with church and other activities during the day. Life is good.
I wouldn't mention anything about his plans. Assume he's gone until he tells you otherwise.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Here's a question I could use help on: If we are close to the end of the month, and he mentions nothing about R, what should I do?
Nothing. It seems like your relationship is present enough at the moment. I would keep the pressure off.
Originally Posted by Grace21
I plan to ask him to celebrate Thanksgiving with us for the kids sake.
I dont understand this. It isnt like the kids are little and need shielding from everything. How is having a family dinner beneficial for them? I think it's OK to offer that he come....but it doesnt seem like its honestly "for the kids sake".
If you are divorced, would you still invite him? If he was remarried, would you still invite him?
[quote=Grace21]I plan to ask him to celebrate Thanksgiving with us for the kids sake.
I dont understand this. It isnt like the kids are little and need shielding from everything. How is having a family dinner beneficial for them? I think it's OK to offer that he come....but it doesnt seem like its honestly "for the kids sake".
Good point about the kids sake. But I think they would like to have him there. I hope it's not back-tracking in the detachment department if I ask him if would like to join us for a meal. Not to hang out all day. S and I plan to watch the parade and cook together while D works. Something like "I plan to have dinner at 4. You are welcome to join us if you would like".
Of course if he tells me he plans to arrange a more permanent separation, this could all change.
I know what you mean re the holidays. These are a big deal in my family and we both try and keep the traditions alive. Is it for the kids sake or are we (you and I) fabricating opportunities to see our H's. Mostly for the kids but I would by lying if I said it wasn't also for me.
Invite him to Thanksgiving but don't be upset, or show you're upset, if he says no.
Each day that goes by, I have a stronger premonition that I will someday be a divorced woman. Nothing significant has really happened, in fact I’ve had a couple of nice interactions with H recently, but the feeling is there all the same. Maybe the premonition is a mask for worry?
S21 is home this weekend. Haven’t really seen him too much, but it’s nice to have him in the house. Both the kids will be home most of December into January. It will be nice to have them here, for sure. S has said numerous times that he hopes dad is back living at home by Thanksgiving. I just say I don’t know what will happen. We have to see. I asked him if he has been able to talk to H about it. He said H won’t say anything. And when he did bring it up, he said something to the effect of “Well, it’s not like someone died”. I don’t know the exact words. S tends to paraphrase greatly. But anything remotely like that. WTF! Can’t H see that even though our kids are adults, this affects them greatly? All I can do is reassure my kids my feelings about it and for them, and express my understanding that it’s difficult for them too.
H had a significant life event yesterday (meeting a half brother for the first time). Guess who he called right after leaving the meeting? Yep. Yours truly. We chatted about it for a while. I guess he still feels close enough to me to want to share something important. I was curious about it, but I wasn’t going to ask. I stayed on the phone way too long. Got to get better with being the first to say “gotta go”.
I have GAL plans tonight, then the week will wiz by as usual with work, bootcamp several evenings, my Meetup.org walk, and Church Choir (this will be my first week). No plans next weekend yet. Gotta work on that.
I can completely relate to what you wrote Grace. I have the same premonition. But I am a long ways off from that as I think it would take my H at least a year to work up the nerve to say the word to my face. Honestly, I think he is quite happy to live on his own and be a part-time dad with no responsibilities other than cleaning up after himself in his new place. Your H is a lot like mine in some ways. My thoughts? I think he has likely already decided he isn’t coming home anytime soon (I hope I am wrong). I think he negotiated two months with you (just like my H was trying to get “just two more weeks”) because he thought you would be open to it and he could move out without too much drama. Now that he is out, he is telling himself that you won’t be quite as upset when he decides to make it longer. I predict that if you say NOTHING to him about it, the two month time limit will come and go and he will not bring it up. If you bring it up, he will either negotiate for more time or just flat out tell you he likes things the way they are. Like I said, I REALLY, REALLY hope I am wrong but I think this is a familiar movie that people on here have seen numerous times. If I were you, I would just leave it be, keep GAL and let him be the one to bring it up. If it comes from you, he will just experience it as pressure and pursuit.
