The weekend was okay. H spent a lot of time with the kids because I was busy on Saturday and it was his day to have them on Sunday. Something interesting happened on Saturday night. I sent him a picture of our daughter crying over a spider donut she had eaten (she gave it a name and felt bad she had eaten it...lol). It struck me as funny and I know that I shoudn’t have but I just had to send him the picture. I feel like he misses out on so much. Anyway, he texted me back right away with a comment and then sent me a second text that he was on the phone with his dad. Normally not a big deal but he hasn’t talked to his dad in 15 months and as far as I knew, wasn’t planning on being the first to reach out. Kind of took me by surprise. Not really sure what to make of it but maybe he is starting to unpack some things?
He tried to get me to feed them dinner on Sunday but I had plans and I told him I needed him to step up and be a parent, not a babysitter. He took it rather well. In fact, he is being so nice that you would think he is the one DBing. Sunday he came inside when he brought them home and saw that I was drinking a glass of wine so asked if he could join me. I agreed and he sat down to chat. I asked him how his phone call went. Apparently, after 15 months of no contact, they started talking like they had just talked the week before. HIs dad asked him nothing about himself or why he hadn’t called him in over a year. Did not mention anything about the fact that H isn’t living with his family. Nothing. Apparently he just talked about the things he is working on around his house and a mishap that happened last week when he almost got into a car accident. Huh?? That is so unbelievable to me. Also explains why my H is so avoidant and unable to talk about important issues if he thinks they might lead to any kind of a conflict. Between his mom and his dad, he has not had one conversation about our current situation. My MIL wrote him a seven-page letter when she thought he was having an affair. She hasn’t given it to him and not once has she brought up her own feelings about this situation. For as long as he was lying to me, he was lying to her and letting her take on his parenting responsibilities. It is so crazy to me that she hasn’t said one word to him about it but she has said plenty to me. Bizarre.
We also talked about Hallowe’en. He was under the impression that I wanted him to take the kids out while I would stay at home and hand out candy. I told him that I wanted to take the kids out as well so we agreed to do it together which is the first time since the boat ride that led to my “meltdown”. He’s coming for dinner as well which is also a first. He hasn’t eaten a meal with us since September 15th, the day after I found out about his secret hideaway.
H also told me that he has been struggling with pain (leftover from his Shingles) the last few days and that he was running low on medication. I offered to give him some of mine as I use the same meds for my migraines and am on a new preventative treatment that seems to be working so I haven’t had to take them for six weeks now. He thanked me and I went and got him some pills and handed them to him. He then started crying and said that he is just really sick of the pain. Sadly, the me that loves him and wants to comfort him came out and I hugged him. I should not have. He patted me on the back like he was comforting me and it was the kind of hug one gives a friend. Made me sad and resolved to do better with the detaching. I know that I could do a great job of it if I focused on all the negatives.... the things he does that drive me crazy and all of the lies he has told me, etc... I am afraid to go there. I want to let him go with love, not disdain - for my sake, for my kids’ sake, for the sake of our future co-parenting relationship. I know this is the long road to detachment. So...onwards and upwards, I suppose. I am looking forward to taking the kids out tomorrow and am hoping for decent weather. Will try to focus on them and not worry about my H so much. Tonight is their dance and I told H to stay home and that I would handle it. He has been with them more this week than he had been in a month of his running away behaviour. So, I am happy for them at least. They have their dad back. A consolation prize for losing their parents together. I still am struggling with that and coming to terms with how easily he has walked away from us as a family unit. It is something I would not have even considered, even in my unhappiest moments.
