Meeting went well in terms of pleasantness and civility. The first thing he asked was how I was - the 1st time in 5 months. We talked pleasantries about the dog and the kids. I feel we engaged and had a connection. We moved onto business and there was no pressure from him, just a laying out of facts for us to consider. He asked what I thought and I said that I needed time to process as he had been thinking about this situation for a long time but I'd only had a matter of weeks. He said don't hurry, this was just a preliminary meeting. As we'd managed to keep it civil, we agreed that he could come back to the house for things when he wanted to and didn't need to give me notice necessarily, but he said he would out of courtesy. He also said that having been in each others company without fighting, he felt able to come to the house when I was there and help sort the house out.
So, there doesn't appear to be any difference in his stance to want out, but a difference in his attitude to me. I did wonder if all was not well in paradise. So, what do I want?
I don't know. I felt a connection, felt empathy for him, felt tender towards him and a rather bleak future that he faces. I felt no physical attraction at all. I acknowledge that his head seemed better and his eyes were less crazy, he talked calmly and sensibly but he looked 10 years older than his 58 years. He looked frail and unwell.
I so wanted to say 'is this really what we both want' but I absolutely didn't thanks to DB. I came home and could feel myself wanting to reach out and text him to say it had been good to talk etc etc but I didn't thanks to DB. I started to think ' this is a good sign reach out and grab it with both hands', but I didn't thanks to DB.
I don't know what this is that I feel. I do think there is unfinished business between us. My head tells me to move on; that it may all be manipulation on his part; that I'm clinging onto something that isn't there; but my heart is not so sure.
