I am sorry you find yourself here. There are some very kind and compassionate people here with much hard earned wisdom willing to share their knowledge. You are among friends.
I will add my view and agreement with the others. As long as their is another person involved, your spouse is in replay. They have to sort out what ever troubles are driving them to these fixes. Your W has displayed quite a few replay behaviours so far.
This is a marathon and it takes a while. There are averages and statistics, but really no one can know when the MLCer will exit replay and start towards finding their way out. They may unfortunately bounce back and forth for a while also.
You have stated that W set up stage to end things with EA. Then a few months later started up again. Perfectly normal, don’t loose hope. Breaking up is hard to do. She will need to purge him and that will take time. Unfortunately, there is no way to know if she is actually working towards that or still running.
To your specific questions MarvinF and job gave excellent answers.
My own take.
An MLC W does not have a normal way they behave. No set behaviour to tell us what they are thinking or planning. They are confused, and running on pure emotions. Their behaviour will be all over the place. You cannot count on it to mean anything. Your W will adamantly mean and defend what she believes - right up till the moment she doesn’t. An MLCer can change views quickly and frequently, it is dizzying to attempt to keep up with them.
Asking the effectiveness of anything during MLC is pointless. Nothing you say or do will have much effect on her journey. She must go through this on her own time and on her own path. We really cannot speed it up.
From my limited experience most, by far, of the counsellors do not believe in or understand MLC. Most people do not. Until you experience this, see it up close, it sounds so unbelievable. Aside from places like this forum where LBS gather, heal, and share knowledge, folks just don’t know.
I do like your plan to support her during this. Remember you did not break her, therefore you cannot fix her. Give her space and time - lots of each. Focus on you and your two kids.
From what you have posted, to me it looks like W started to run / replay in spring 2018. Most times bomb drop signals the start of replay. The time up to then looks like the emotional turmoil that a trigger event started. Understand this is not your fault, she has damage deep inside which was destined to come out. This would have happen with or without you.
I do hope you continue post, share your insights, and ask questions. These are probably not the responses you were hoping for, I am sorry.
All these people are good honest people who deeply care. They have a lot of wisdom that was earned with sometimes a very high cost. I consider myself blessed to be within their company.
Take some time to consider what has been suggested.
I am looking forward to speaking with you again.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
