Trying to keep the faith

[FlySolo]

Hi FS. Wouldn’t it be nice if were the type of women who could use another person to escape from our pain without feeling like it is incredibly wrong??

I was that kind of woman once. Whilst I have nothing against casual sex, right now I couldn't do. I am not in the right frame of mind emotionally. I would be doing it to feel validated and, once the high wore off, I would feel dirty. I think I mentioned the long term relationship before H. We were together from around 14. We split for a year in my early 20's and I went a little off the rails. When we got back together I couldn't be intimate with him. I convinced myself it was because I wasn't attracted to him. It wasn't because sleeping with any of the other men whilst we were apart made me feel dirty, it wasn't because my ex made me feel dirty. It was because somehow, in my subconscious, sleeping with him, after all I had done, would make him dirty. Funny how the mind works.

Re: your H’s OW. I don’t believe her for a second. That’s the kind of thing you tell someone at the start of a relationship [and convince yourself of too] in order to rope them in. As the relationship goes on, she will want more and the pressure will increase. Try not to think of the OW too much. She really means nothing. As soon as she starts to make demands of him, he will run. No doubt.
(((HUGS)))

I agree entirely.

Try not to think of the OW too much. She really means nothing. As soon as she starts to make demands of him, he will run. No doubt. (((HUGS)))

I am not worrying about her. I know this is going to bite him in the [censored]

Journal ..

H did manage to pick up D12 for football yesterday though he was about 30 mins late. I got a text simply saying "I'll be there in 20 mins. Make sure D12 is ready". I did not go to football with them. He looked a bit shocked "you're not coming ??" but as it was cold and wet outside I said it didn't seem fair to make D8 stand in a field for a couple of hours. He said when he got back that we could have sat in the car. He so much still wants us to be a family. When he gets annoyed at my not doing things with them, a part of me thinks that family he wants to be a part of still includes me.

I think he was telling the truth about meeting his mates. He mentioned without prompting who was there and told me how some of them are doing. That doesn't mean she wasn't there. We were inseparable until we had D12. We went everywhere together. When D12 was born I became a mum and gave up certain things. H became a dad. His sacrifices weren't the same though. There is no blame in that statement. We just couldn't both go out, so I stayed home. At first it was practical, then it became habit. That was my choice, and I would do it again but I would maybe make some time for us too.

I am away on a last minute business trip. It has been a very long day. I have always avoided going away for business. H always made me feel guilty for it. I don't think he was consciously even aware that he didn't like it. I was asked to do this trip late last Friday. It is only for one day but means that I had to stay overnight Sunday, do a day here and then back Monday night. I asked H if he could have the girls Sunday night. He said no, he already had plans - apparently one of the guys that he saw sat night was staying an extra night.

Thankfully MIL agreed to do have the girls last night. We weren't able to get through the work today, so am staying over tonight and heading back tomorrow. H was always supposed to have them tonight, so at least that's one battle I don't have to have.

Whilst I was in the city last night, I called a girlfriend I haven't seen in a while and we went out for a late supper. I never would have met up with her (as I wouldn't have agreed to the trip) if H and I were still together. We went for tapas and talked industry gossip. It was a really nice night.

Whilst it's positive I am making decision for myself, I know that he hates that he is losing control over me. I don't know if that makes him more likely, or less likely to come back to me.

Some positives ... there are ways that I feel we are getting closer. We talk now. He seems genuinely interested in what I have been doing. He initiates small talk about nothing much. He volunteers information (though I know is careful about what he tells me). I did a 180 and asked him to look at something in my car. Turned out it was user error . I would not have asked for his help before (I would have asked FIL next time I saw him) but for some reason I did, and normally he would huff and look at me like I'm stupid but just went 'there you go'. I still feel the rise in temperature when I do something that he doesn't expect me to do (like going away for a business trip, saying no when he asks me to join them) but I also see him trying to hold it in check.

I think Db is working in that it is moving us one step closer to being friends. I still have expectations though ... so I guess I stay on my detaching horse until either the expectations are no more or he shows me he wants to try and work things out.