Just keep swimming, I think I can, I think I can

[marina7]

Journaling,

We didn't get anywhere again.

I basically did cried.
I ask why is it so hard for me trying to spend more time with s10.

So reason I said that was this week I ask for Trios be together for
Halloween.
W declined at first
But in therapy W said fine.
W you will pick him at 5pm ypu will take him here
You will have him back to me by 7:30 DO you understand yes or no
Therapist looks at me
M yelp I'll pick him at at 5pm I will take them to where you want
And by 7:30pm
Therapist how easy was that to coparent

But in my mind this was all controlled W her way
I simply don't get it how they can't see it or they do and don't say
Anything. All this can be a test.

W also stated next Wednesday s10 will be with my mom
As I have a meeting.
I stated I have first call of refusal.
W stated after 4 hours.


Wow wow wow...
I ask myself over and over why can't I have our s10 for
Those 4 hours so he can be with us.

I feel W does everything to keep us away. Or it feels
That way.

I am digging deep inside God knows am trying
It feels W is Winning this fight.
W makes the calls.
W tells me when and where to go
W refuses any suggestions for W to spend more time
With d10 and s9
And it feels the world is against me.

Since March, GAL been involved
And nothing has been suggested has
GAL says I have faith in both of you to be able to
Work this out.

W also upset about why I ain't moving blah blah...
W teared up fake tears.
W again makes therapist repeat so W can write what
Therapist says.

Yes today I was space out. I am tired..

Therapist said Marina are you with me.
M yelp... I am tired of this as you can see
We are not getting anywhere. Therapist agreed
She believes we will not be able to coparent.

I agreed therapist is right
1+1=2
Not 1+1=1
I give W doesn't
I give W wants trade off.
I give W just find a thousand reasons why she does her way.

So here I am wondering what will our life hold.
S9 cries himself to sleep seeing his s10 bed empty
They ask mommy when will s10 come home it feels
We never going be together.

Today feels hopeless...