In a way, you're right. Where we disagree is that I'm not trying to tell her these things to control anything. I'm saying this because she thinks I still need her to handle my life. She keeps telling me to ask her for help with S, and I keep not asking.
I don't want to control her. I want her to give me a break. I don't want her to keep trying to lead me on anymore, I don't want her to find random things to be angry about just to have something to blame me for...I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally.
Where it gets understandably blurry is where OM and S are involved...and I get that. She insists there's nothing wrong with her court order rule-breaking, and she's shown she has no intention of stopping (even if she admits it's better for S, which she does). She not only expects, but DEMANDS that I be passive. In fact, she even said this week she liked it better when I was just ignoring her A and playing along nicely with what she wants.
I'm not her pawn. I'm not the second choice.
And I'm no longer part of her game plan.
Hoping she wakes up, to me, is not the same thing as trying to wake her up. That's her problem.
Yes, I still hurt, but not nearly as much as I used to. After a while, being told "I'm not trying to hurt you, but I'm going to keep doing the exact thing that hurts you...openly...and get S involved with OM's life/family, not invite you to S's bday party, then demand you do what I say" feels really, really bad. So I'm done with it.
I don't want to R right now, to be honest. I just want a break. I want peace. I want to stop being used, lied to, manipulated, blamed, and slandered.
S changed his questions. He's no longer asking "why do I have two houses". The other night he asked "why doesn't mommy want to live with you?" Last night, it was "why doesn't mommy like you anymore?"
I'm not trying to push her away. She ran. I'm trying to walk away with some dignity.
