Congrats on getting this far. You have come a long way and I appreciate sharing the journey with you.
It's clear that you are very self-reflective about your own actions in the MR and how your personality traits may have contributed to problems (though you are 100% correct that ultimately the decision to leave is on her.) I think that type of reflection and questioning is extremely valuable since it forces you to question not only your actions but your values. Most people are loathe to do this type of hard introspective work because it isn't pleasant and can be quite painful, but our sitches have put us in a place where we need to do it. That is the silver lining in this sh@t-storm.
I think you may be smart to listen to yourself and take a break from relationships for a while. That might be your body or psyche asking for time off to recuperate and heal itself from the pain. It sounds wise to me. However, I don't know that forever closing yourself off to those possibilities is really necessary. It's hard to know how any of us will feel in a year or 5 or 10. I think being open to possibilities, even unforeseen ones, is a better road to take.
You end by saying that you are in an uncertain place with your feelings. I think that is crucial. Learning to live in uncertainty is absolutely terrifying, but ultimately liberating. It is only in uncertainty that there is the space for growth and change. Most of us had a fixed vision of what our life was going to look like with our spouses and families and that was comforting, but also most likely false. We could never control the future, never control how our spouses felt for us. It was only an illusion that we clung to. Now it has been ripped away from us, and we are forced to confront the truth, which is uncertainty. We can run from it, or deny it, or distract ourselves with drugs, booze, internet, women, men, or whatever, OR we can embrace it. Brene Brown's Daring Greatly touches a lot on this topic and spoke to me, as does The Subtle of Art of Not Giving a F#$k which I am currently rereading.
Good luck, and stay in touch.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
