13 years and two small children

[SteveLW]

Hurt, just caught up on your sitch. Sorry man, i know it is tough. When my WW (and I think your W is a WW) started lying, considering she'd always abhorred it, it was really tough.

Here is the thing. You can't believe ANYTHING she says. Positive or negative. The happiness at your winning the tournament. The nice things she does (only trust half of her actions!). The nickname calling in correspondence. Yes some of it might be guilt. However, a lot of it is probably manipulation attempts. Since she is so open about her relationship with OM.

I know you are looking for help. Here is how I would approach it.

Continue to detach. Please stop reading 10 year old letters. It doesn't help. I remember purposely, early on in my sitch, pulling out a poem she wrote me when we first got together. It really set me back in my detachment. sandi's rules say that the girl you married is gone! The point is that no matter what you shared before, how she felt before, how pious she was before, how moral she was before, she isn't that anymore. You are dealing with a completely different creature.

Continue to 180 on any behavior that contributed to your sitch. NOTE, this doesn't mean any of this is YOUR fault. There is plenty of fault to go around for both of you. However, SHE is the one that stepped out of the MR, and you are the one trying to work on it. So remember that. Recognize your poor prior behavior, fix it, but move on. Don't dwell on the "I was so bad" aspect of things. You can promise tomorrow, but you can't buy back yesterday (to borrow from Bon Jovi).

Keep GAL. Sounds like golf is a great escape for you. New rule: When you are out GAL do not visit this calendar app. That set you back during the tournament. Learn from that and grow. If the calendar app sends notifications, turn them off. You can always check it after GAL.

" In the kitchen I found a note she made of things needed to be done, before the real estate broker gets her on saturday - she had already done some of the things (cleaning out some closets)." DO NONE OF THESE THINGS YOURSELF. This is her endeavor, make her do the dirty work. So many LBSs think that if they "play along" it will make their WAS/WS reconsider. It won't. In fact, the thing that will make he reconsider is if she feels like it is all on her to do the dirty work of leaving. Don't let nice guy tendencies get in the way here. You want to command respect from her, it starts with not lifting a finger to help her leave you. Doesn't mean you actively try to prevent it, just that you don't help it.

And finally, on respect. People do not give respect, you demand it. When she starts to behave disrespectfully you walk away. "Sorry, I will not tolerate being treated this way." Said calmly, but firmly. Then just walk away. It will take a few times, but you need to be consistent.

Hurt, also part of the problem is you are still too interested in what she is doing. Digging through the trash (yes I know you said she tossed a document you needed.....but did you really need it? Or was it an excuse to dig through the trash to see what she tossed?), checking out her clothes on the bed, etc.....those are things LBSs do that set them back. You have to fake it until you make it. The first few times I wanted to snoop on my W but didn't allow myself too was tough. It was very difficult. But then it got to the point where I just didn't care anymore to check. Work on that. Ask yourself, would a man that commands respect dig through the trash? Would he check out her OM's clothes?

Finally, for the utmost in taking back respect....kick her out of the MBR. Next time she is out, whether with OM or not, gather all of her things and move them to another room. When she protests you firmly tell her: "I refuse to share the marital bedroom with a lying cheater." And then end the conversation. No matter how angry or mad she gets. She will get angry and mad....but she will also respect you. So do this at your next convenient opportunity.