What I am trying to say, and am doing poorly, is that one of her complaints was I ignored her. So pursuing her is a no no and ignoring her seems to be more of the same. So what do I do? Pursue her anyway or ignore her because at this point both get the same reaction. Which is sort of why are you even trying? Of course if I am trying nothing this is confusing to me.
This is a very common question from people new to this situation. Here's the key thing you need to understand about this- YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN THROUGH ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE. You HAVE been through fights, disputes, arguments, disagreements and you are programmed to respond to those situations in a certain way to bring your wife back. But there is an enormous difference between a spouse that is mad at you and a walkaway wife. HUGE difference. You do not have the tools to deal with a WAW, but that is why Michele wrote her books and it is why we have this forum- to give you the tools you need. What you need to do is get out of your own head. Quit thinking you need to fix things the way you always have, because as you've already discovered, that doesn't work. Center yourself, begin with a beginner's mind. Read DR again. Understand DR. Get a DB coach if you can.
OK so back to what you said above- she is in a mode right now where she is telling you what you did wrong, but being a WAW, she has zero interest in you fixing those things. Any attempt you make to right those wrongs will just be seen by her as "too little too late". It is also pressure, and what she wants right now is ZERO pressure from you.
As hard as this will be to hear, your wife no longer is in love with you. In fact she may despise you, it's not at all uncommon. So EVERYTHING you do is making her hate you more. So what do you do? Well nothing directly. You pull back. You give her time and space. You work on yourself. Eventually her negative feelings will diminish, but it's going to be months yet.
I've used this analogy before, not everyone can identify with it but most can depending on how much dating they did before getting married. Most of us dated and broke up a few times before M. Most of us have "that" girlfriend or boyfriend that was super clingy after breakup and wanted desperately to get back with us. If you have that experience then you will probably recall how absolutely turned off you were by it. They seem so pathetic and needy and you can't help think "oh man, why would I EVER want this in my life again" and that is EXACTLY how your wife sees you right now. By contrast, many of us broke up with someone who simply said "OK, well I wish you the best" and never looked back. Well THAT person suddenly seemed "higher value". You think "Why didn't they try to reconcile? Did I make the wrong decision? I wonder what they are doing? How did they move on so fast? Who are they with right now?" So this is the whole idea of leaving your W alone. Not in a cold, rude or indifferent way, but lovingly detaching and leaving her to sort out her issues and learn to miss you. Some day she will, and she WILL look back. And will she see a sad, desperate you or will she see a strong, independent you enjoying life without her?
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I got replacement screws for the license plate on the rear because the installed ones are rusty. Looks bad on her nice car. Screw pitch is wrong. She is upset that I wanted to do this unasked for.
Of course she is. She absolutely would be, that's 100% consistent with a WAW mindset. She HATES you for trying to help, and any attempt you make to do so is just digging a deeper hole for yourself. SO STOP. She wants to be independent of you, she wants to do things herself, she wants to prove to herself that she can. So let her.
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I didn't want anything from her for doing this. I didn't like the rusted screws there.
In other words, you put your needs before hers. How's that going you think?
