so not sure if this is a rant or even a vent...more like a stream of thought let's say.
paperwork with W is moving along such that at some point real "action" on D is likely. on that i'm basically just introspective along the lines of "i can't believe it's come to that". now i'm not itching to contact or pursuit or anything like that and W's doing whatever she's doing and i'm not concerned with whatever that is. teared up a bit this AM when a song came on. i know the love i had for her is still within me and that hurts given where our sitch is. i just remind myself this was her decision to walkaway and so i must move along the best i can for myself and D.
bigger thought the last few days is that i feel myself giving up on women/relationships. i've talked about this in the past. it's not a anger based sentiment to be clear, just more of a continued assessment of who i am, much that i've read, the 80% divorces filed by women and my soon to be twice D'd status. in one of Sandi's recent posts she says "The problem with a soft hearted, tender natured guy is that she is going to take his b@lls away." now i know i didn't try to do all of the NGS stuff, but soft hearted, tender natured guy...yep that's me. bottom line the more i reflect on women/relationships, the more i feel like i'm not cut out to be with a lady long term. not through lack of desire, but simply put i don't feel at all like i'm what they want or even if i tried to be the way they want, i'd slip up/get lazy and they'd bolt. besides that sometime in the next few months i'll be twice D'd. the thought of ever buying a 3rd ring...let's just say i'm not feeling like God wants me going down that path again. i know this may sound pity party-ish, but it's not meant to be. it's a lucid self-examination of my reality and how i feel that i'm incapable as a guy at figuring out the way to long term success with another lady. perhaps i'm just much better off, emotionally and physically to remove myself from the equation lest i become another statistic down the road failing a 3rd time. when you see things from my aperture the possibility of a future relationship...
sorry folks i'm just reflecting alot. i know time will change things, life will bring new chapters to me and i know from much of Stander's and ACC's comments, there's a possible better life waiting ahead. i know perhaps clearing/closing this chapter is required and i'm doing good non-women/relationship thought wise. a big part of me just feels like pulling the plug on the idea of future companionship. my ic was saying how she believes 30 year marriages will be the exception not the rule for modern relationships. women may have their needs change every 10-15 years, but as a man i can't emotionally/financially handle 5-6 divorces throughout a lifetime to match that possible no 30 year marriage reality.
just in an uncertain place with my feelings for the past and my future. i wish all of you prayers and the best in your sitches as this new week begins.
