Love the thread title, focus! I think that is a great way to look at things and to move forward.
Thank you so much Dawn! It feels like love (towards oneself first and foremost, and then extending to the outside world) is the answer.
Originally Posted by Dawn70
I know what you mean about posting stuff on FB too. I shied away from that all along throughout my divorce but Lord have mercy were there times that I so desperately wanted to put stuff. In fact, now that I'm in a new relationship, I had even hesitated posting pics and other things about Sparky until I just decided it is MY facebook page and I'll post what I want when I want.
I'm glad it wasn't just me that struggled with this.
It was sort of mixed up with posting/not posting for all sorts of reasons with me as well. I've tried to make sure that I was posting only from a place of positivity: love, gratitude, joy...
Although, looking at it now, I did hold back from posting through fear, anger and shame too. Shame when I was going out with the heavy drinker for that short spell. I remember the first time I met him thinking 'is this is? Is this what men my age are like?'. He saw me checking him out, and thought it was approvingly. It wasn't. I was actually feeling really disappointed and trying to muster up some enthusiasm.
He was so into me, and we had the subject that we had originally studied in common. So I thought that was something, that it was enough. Well, surprise surprise...it wasn't. In the short time we went out, it became obvious that he was very angry about I have no idea what, and was extremely controlling. I started to really feel through and through that I deserved much, much better. I'm pretty sure that had I stayed, I would have ended up in a very abusive relationship, definitely emotionally and financially, and I'm pretty sure physically as well.
Some instinct must have told me. He never came round to my house and I never, ever posted about him or us on FB. He did introduce me to his mum and stepfather really early on, and I had then felt under pressure to introduce him to my mum. I met some of his friends and he met one of my closest friends on a night out. She didn't like him at all, she later told me. She found him egotistical and sexist. He came as my plus one to the wedding of one of my other closest friends. I was worried about him getting into some sort of a 'discussion' with one of the other guests over dinner (fuelled by alcohol) and being really aggressive with it - I had seen this happen a number of times previously with him. So my friend sat him at the very end of one of the tables, opposite one of the most boring people I've ever met in my entire life. She later told me that he had pinched some of the groom's whisky on his way out. I was unspeakably angry at this. Unspeakably angry, and would barely muster some level of politeness towards him if I came across him now.
A few months after I left him, I started to really feel in the pit of my stomach how much a good catch I was for someone, and to really believe it too. I guess the roots of that started early in that whole relationship with that guy. They just needed time to grow and become stronger.
I had a feeling that he liked to prey on women that were in quite a vulnerable position. His first wife had some very serious mental health issues that started a few months after they were married. He was basically looking after her the whole time. They were married something like 15 years and she committed suicide.
He since went out with a number of women who all seemed in quite a vulnerable position (I would have included myself in that). He was never really on his own for any length of time in the seven or so years that had passed since his wife and committed suicide (for more than a couple of weeks, for sure). That seemed very weird in my books. Anyway, a very short time after I left, he started going out with a woman he had been out with twice previously and left twice before for other women. I mean, would you even ever put yourself in that position?!
Anyway, they're married now. And she sometimes posts stuff on her FB page which makes me think they're those roundabout passive aggressive comments that are aimed at me. Obviously I just ignore them. Just after I left him she posted something on FB about how someone can look really pretty and wrapped up to seem all lovely and wonderful, but they're actually hollow and empty inside. I'm totally sure that was aimed at me. Anyway, that was a good few years ago now.
Originally Posted by Dawn70
To speak to your very last comment in your post above, it IS time for you to start to feel that same indignant feeling you felt on your friend's behalf for yourself. You are strong, vibrant, have so much to offer, so don't let someone else's opinion of you weigh you down. You just don't have time for that! I just read this morning (and have heard a million times over) someone else's opinion of you is none of your business. I like that and I try VERY hard to hold on to it.
Sounds to be like you are doing well and I'm thrilled for you. Keep on keeping on with love!
Thank you.
I guess it's taken me a long, long time to start feeling these things. I think it's probably a mixture of having felt low about myself, and also that I've got a very 'live and let live' type of attitude to life.
Thank you for replying Dawn, you have given me lots to think about, and lots of threads to connect.
