So it is 1:30am and I cant sleep, last time I posted was after my H and I had Sex for the first time in a few months and I was warned not to get too attached and I kept my distance, to make a long story short, the day after he went away for an overnight trip that he invited me and my sister on but we backed out because she had a bad cold. He called me when he got to the hotel and texted me later in the day to see if my S hooked up with the guy from the other night, we joked a bit, and the next day he came home early. Took my S and I out to dinner before she flew home, he had a stomach virus so I left him be in bed but we did snuggle a few times in the last few days but I almost felt protective of myself because i didn’t want to seem needy. He did seem less affectionate ,

We had 2nd therapy session last thursday and it went ok , our therapist gave us homework, to read a few chapters in a book called hold me tight. We had a call tonite with our son in boarding school and he is rebelling being there and wants to come home and our conversations with him are tough and we are trying to hold a boundary with him and that he cant come home till he graduates in May. My S seems to take his anger out on my H more than me but in any case it has been hard on all of us as a family having him away. Went out for a bite, and my H and I struggled to talk, which has been a thing, communication is hard for us both and now that our S is gone we realized how much of our conversations were about him. It is sad, and there is def a void. We both try. Any hoo he told me that he was going to see the doctor tomorrow because he had been having chest pains and i asked him why he didnt tell me and he said he didnt want to upset me...which upset me. Once again ....no communication, then he got teary eyed and I asked him what was wrong and he said it was the 20th annniversary of his brothers death,,,another long story, in the last few months I have seen my H tear up a lot , he is more emotional than usual and I’m wondering if his dads decline in health and our son leaving home to boarding school and his brothers death are all bringing up stuff for him, hence his MLC. I dont know, but he has a lot of the symptoms......we had had a few drinks and were walking home and we stopped to get dessert or so I thought and when the waitress took our order he ordered another cocktail...i think it was his 4th of the night...which worries me also, I know he is stressed out but he seems to be drinking more than usual.

then I cant remember how but we talked about his one co worker whose wife and kids saw him come out of a strip club and he was laughing and I thought it was not funny considering this poor family and the fact that in the past my H has gone to strip clubs, it was yrs ago but I only found out because of a receipt in his coat pocket, we got into it and I said i would you think it was funny if our son saw you coming out of a strip club and what if you saw youre dad coming out of one and he told me his Grandpa took his dad to a SC when he was younger, and he was laughing and I was getting angrier, maybe I was too uptight but I just thought it was insensitive. I said are you going to take our S to a strip club since you think its so funny, and he got pissed and we walked home in silence, got into bed and there is probably 5 ft between us. I feel like just throwing in the towel, i cant stand the emotional and physical distance between us, and not knowing in general...he holds all the cards, i know i know,,,i need to not let it affect me and keep GAL and i have been last weekend I went our Fri and SAt with friends and he stayed home. This is so hard. I know I should be happy he is going to MC but I’m not sure if his heart is in it, almost feel like he wanted to start a fight with me tonite. I cant win in any case, this has a lot more to do with him and what he is going through than with me, YES we have communication problems and resentment and dissapointment built up over the years but he is not the same person, there are times when he is fine but it kills me that he wont say ILY or tell me things like hes been having chest pains. I think he is depressed and going through a MLC. It has been since May that he told me he was unhappy and since Aug when the Dbomb was dropped and I dont know if I can do this much longer, I feel like im walking on eggshells when he is around, im detaching but this is horrible, im wide awake in bed and tears r running down my face and he is snoring away without a care in the world.