Thank you DnJ. They resonate very well. What you say is so true and I thank you for it. OneArt, your situation sounds like a nightmare and at least puts things in perspective for me on the journey ahead. A couple of follow questions: 1. When do you think you will know you are done working on yourself? 2. If my wife said she wants to join us at Christmas, should I let her join us? I feel no, because yes is cake eating. Thoughts?
If your wife asks to join you and your family for Christmas, I would consider it. Why? Christmas is a time for families to be together, it is a time for new beginnings and maybe, just maybe being together in a family setting may give her something to think about. It also would give you the opportunity to show her that you are the best (prize) and when she walks away, she will have good memories of the day and hopefully those memories will stay w/her throughout her journey.
Saying no may give her the impression that you are punishing her for the choices she has made. I, personally, do not see her joining in on Christmas as cake eating. Now, if this was something she requested for every family event, then maybe I would.
Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Black8, you can never go wrong listening to Job, so I agree with her about Christmas.
I am not sure that I will ever come to a point where I am done working on myself, but rather just the knowledge that I still have work to do. I have made huge strides, for example, on defensiveness, and I'm proud of myself for that. But I have recently seem that I am still too much of a fixer, too sure of myself, and that I can easily engulf people who are not as tough. I need to soften my approach and be more flexible in how I approach others. I have some physical and work goals. I want to get out more and meet more people. I want to bring more fun into my life. I know these are all areas where I still need improvement.
Thank you, Job. I am still on the fence about Christmas. There is anger on my side because of the several times she left me in an awkward position with all the kids.
OneArt, thank you for openly sharing your feelings.
Today, my soon to be ex asked me to take down just photos of my diplomas in the office we used to share. But I am not going to stop there. I am removing all photos of her with my kids from previous marriage, solo pictures of my kids from previous marriage, and other pictures I brought into marriage. MLC wife cannot have it both ways. Plus, it is helping me detach better. Anyone with similar experiences?
I still have to take some pictures down from our basement... wedding pictures, my H’s martial arts certificates...basically everything that he put up. Haven’t been able to bring myself to do it... this weekend is probably a good time. I hope it helps with detachment. Right now it just makes me sad.
I found that purging to both be tough and helpful. I did scan in all the photos that I had and made them available to both my now ex and the kids. I believe that my ex didn't have herself organized enough to grab the digital copies but I put all the physical ones in to boxes for her to pick up - which took her about 6 months.
I was "fortunate" in that I did all the scanning while still enduring in-house separation and the associated stress and angst. That meant that I did get to "keep" everything I wanted.
I kept those I loved which did not include any with her and adapted the the multi-picture frames like my daughter's wedding and a family trip to Disney when they were young replacing the pictures of my ex with ones of the kids. If you were to talk in to my house you would imagine that I created those two wonderful people all on my own.
It was very tough at times though. I sat and wept for quite a long time after packing the wedding photo from my home office desk that had sat there for nearly 30 years.
About 6 months or so after she left and it was clear that she wasn't coming back, I went through my own digital copies and removed all the ones from our trip to Mexico where she dropped the bomb on me and all the ones of just her family. The kids had their copies by that point.
It wasn't easy but it did help me let go.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I have merged your two threads together. Your previous thread only had 53 postings. We ask that posters to stick with one thread until they have reached the 100 posting/reply limit.
You do what you feel is best for you in the way of removing photos, mementos,
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Another question: My eldest keep asking to see their stepmom for Christmas. Should I offer for the MLC to come over for Christmas? If yes, what would you recommend I say?
Hi I don't know enough about your situation to say but just some questions, I would ask myself
I would not want her to ruin Christmas for your kids-
Do you think she would? has she kept up any r with the step kids? Would it be a positive interaction on Christmas? Are there any other motives? Is she clean and sober or addicted?
if you think it would be a positive experience--trust your gut if you think it would be a fiasco -be cautious- look into your motives-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
