Whirlwind of Hurt 4

[Twofeet]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement, advice, and support.

The weekend is over, and I am glad I can put it behind me. W took Friday off to do some packing, run errands, get bids on jobs at her new home (blinds, etc.). Called me at work to briefly have the talk about what to say to the kids. I told her I wanted to do it face to face. She said she didn't have time and was too busy. Besides she has been preparing for this for a long time and she is ready. So I asked her some tough questions she didn't have answers for. She got frustrated and I said we should be prepared we know how smart our oldest is. She didn't want to go into it and was getting angry as its obvious I am the bad guy. She said dont wait up tonight her and her sister were going tonight. I picked up the kids and we had a good night of pizza, movies, and fun. Wife came home right before midnight, woke me up, but was quick, rude and eager to get away from me without saying more than goodnight.

Saturday morning she was sick to her stomach either from food, booze, nerves or all of the above. After lunch she had finally showered and was feeling well enough to proceed. We sat them down and she told them very neutrally that we love them, it's not there fault, but mommy and daddy are divorcing. S3 didn't have any clue but he is only 3. D5 said she was sad and had questions. D8 started hysterically crying and screaming and shrieking. It was horrible as if she was being killed. The whole time I'm trying to stay composed but the tears are pouring out of my eyes. My W as much as a hardass she tried convincing me she would be was crying. D8 kept screaming no, don't do this, just plea after plea. Ran up to her room shrieked and wailed them came back down just sobbing. She started getting hysterical and hyperventilating. I couldn't get her to break and it took W a lot work to break it. After W mostly soothed and explained and I would quip in for clarification. D8 hugged mom for a nice long hug then sat in my arms for a good 10 min sobbing. I pretty much silently cried the whole time. After D8 said she was sad and wanted to be alone in her room. I was fine with that, but it really upset W so she went upstairs to talk to D8. W begged and pleaded to D8 to not be mad at her that she only just wants to be happy and have a happy life. D8 said she wasn't mad, but W wasn't listening as she kept saying she just wants to be happy. Before this point W discussed the we love you, it's not your fault details. After W was so cold and angry at me she wouldn't look or talk to me, and tried walking through me a couple of time. Wasn't happening when she tried so she stopped. Definitely felt like she was silently blaming me. W locked herself in the bathroom for about 20 to 30 min.

Later when it was time to GAL with D8 and S3, D8 said to me mommy is sinning (fyi.... kids go to a private Christian school). I asked D8 why. D8 said mommy wants to divorce you. I asked her what made her think that way. D8 said you were the one who was really sad and mommy just kept saying she wants to be happy. That sounds like mommy wants the divorce. I told her it was a complicated adult issue. She asked if I could tell her when she was 15, I said that sounded reasonable. D8 asked plenty of questions, much about logistics, but also things like daddy please never get married, why is mommy divorcing you, can you be friends, can I pretend your still married. It was tough.

That night W and I split out any bills. W was mad I wouldn't pay half for her new clothes, nights out on the town, etc. I said if she wasn't happy with it I could go spend 1k on clothes and she can owe me half. That stopped her. She is really worried because she is heavily overspent and will have to beg her parents for a loan. I just sympathized, but said I don't have as any advice to offer if that's what she wanted but I'm willing to listen to her. After the kids were told and we were finally financially separate it was a big relief for the both if us and she becsme really pleasant for a little bit. Me, W, and D8 helped W sort and separate master closet items and master bath items and W started packing.

Sunday I took both D5 and D8 to church. We sat with MIL, SIL her husband (BIL) and cousins. On the way there and home both Ds asked questions with D8 bringing up tough topics. They dont want stepparents, they wont listen to stepparents. Please dont remarry. Will SIL still be SIL will I still be an uncle to cousins. I said you will only have one mom and one dad that will never change. Again I have I am in no place to even consider marrying anyone. I will always be a brother to SIL as long as she wants me be. The cousins will always be your cousins so I will always be their uncle.
W took both Ds to see her house. Me and S stayed home. After I took kids to my parents for the day so W could pack. However, the same with Friday & Saturday it doesn't look like W did much other than go shopping.

Tonight W was expressing concern about my parenting abilities. I took offense to it, but after listening I clarified with W I need to separate the fact that she is concerned, and my misguided belief that she is trying to tell me what to do, or how to do it. (Still feels like she is telling me how to parent) However, I told her I still felt hurt that she talks like she doesn't trust me when of the two of us the kids gave never been seriously hurt, harmed, or anything serious under my watch. Under her watch all 3 have been hurt or serious incidents. She said she no longer trusts my words only my actions. I said since you Bd me when has my actions and words not been the truth and showed how much I care. She said only for the kids.
So I have an obvious 180 to work on with W going forward. However, her idea of action towards her is different than my idea. She probably thinks I would show her I cared if I drained every last dime I have and gave it to her as that is one thing she kept trying to get out of me, even though what she is ending up with is more than fair. Just feels like she is just trying to take and take even though I won't budge.

Just need to keep working on being the lighthouse for my W, being the rock for my kids, and being the best me I can be. I need to keep stamping out the inner fears and the dark thoughts. They just run me into a cheeseless maze and it's scary to see where they could lead. I am still feeling lost, but not that kind of lost. That kind of lost is the abyss.