13 years and two small children

[Hurt213]

Update:

Today I woke up early, and packed my gear for a golf tournament I had signed up for. I had made sure the kids got something to eat, and told the old one (4 years old), that I would be gone for the day but I would be back to tug her in tonight. My ex decided to get out of bed 10 minutes before I left, as she had been out seeing OM the night before and came "home" late. She wished me good luck in my tournament and told me to write her updates of how things went - I didn't respond nor did I send her anything today.

I left at 7.00 this morning and weren't home before 18.30 - I had a great day and didn't think about my situation and ex before around 16.00. She put some calendar dates in our shared calendar (that we keep for things related to the kids). She announced there, that she would be going to OM tonight when I got home. It really got me somehow - don't know why its so hard after 3 months still.

I ended up winning the tournament and should be real happy, but my mood was really down and I had a hard town focusing on the happy things. I came in the door at 18.30 - youngest was tucked in, and oldest was really happy to see me. Ex greeted me in the door and immediately asked how tournament went - I told her that I won and that I had a great day - She then just threw herself at me and hugged me tight and told me how wonderful, and wanted to hear all about it and the reactions from the other players and people watching. I honestly didn't want to hug her, but I was caught off surprise, and I really felt like a looser after. I only told her in short responses how it went. She said "its so amazing, isn't it? or do you not care? - I care and I think it is really amazing she then said) - since i didn't really respond to her trying to make conversation.

She then asked me if I needed to shower before her - again I was reminded that she was going to OM. I went to the bathroom, and felt really disrespected, as she had laid out the clothes she would be wearing tonight, including the lingerie...

After my shower, I went to tug in the big one, and she proceeded to take a bath, and while I was tugging in the eldest kid, she took off. In the kitchen I found a note she made of things needed to be done, before the real estate broker gets her on saturday - she had already done some of the things (cleaning out some closets). She had thrown out a lot of stuff, and I needed a document she accidentally trashed, so I went to retrieve it - I found that the cards and notes that I previously wrote her, before I knew of OM were also just trashed (she even ripped some of them over). That made me a bit sad, as she had kept on to them for this entire time. Guess she just doesn't want anything to do with us anymore (no idea why she is so interested in my day then).

So all in all a good day, but im going to sleep sad and with a heavy heart - its taking its toll on me these days.

Advice appreciated as always.