I have to accept that he appears to have finally decided that he wants out of the marriage. He tells me that he has got over his meltdown and depression and feels in a happier and more settled place. So why the need to be nasty and still looking to lay blame at my door.
To pre-empt the vets (I assume that it is too early in the morning on their side of the pond) ... "Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do." Actions speak louder than words.
He is not happier and he is not in a more settled place.
It is anger that drives him. Between BD and moving out (and for a l long time after), my H was angry at me for showing weakness "I thought you were stronger than this", he was angry at me for showing strength "You have no emotions". I am sure even the sound of my voice made him angry (I stopped talking, which made him ... yep ... you guess it ... angry). Looking back, I think it was pure projection. He was angry at himself for giving up and I was a constant reminder that he had given up.
You are not faultless (none of us are) but this anger you see now, that is not your fault.
Originally Posted by Yorkie
Do I remain detached at the meeting and just listen to what he proposes about formalising the S and ultimate D? Or do I make attempts to find out what is going on in his head to create this shift of attitude and try and have an honest conversation about how we interact in the future. I can't do that unless I understand why he is being like this.
You cannot create a shift in attitude. He is resolute. Until he can see past his own [censored] nothing you do will change his mind. He would still have gone this course if you had begged and pleaded instead of detached. He has a shiny OW waiting in the wings and once the novelty has worn off and it is 'normal' relationship (with responsibilities, compromise, bills) then and only then will he realise what he has given up. Doesn't mean he will come back. But he will be finally thinking straight.
I would read Cadets thread on validation before going to the meeting. I would say (just once) that you do not want this and you think that the marriage can be saved. Then I would listen and validate, and even when he is throwing the worst kind of [censored] stuff at you, I would (though I probably wouldn't be able to) try and remain calm. I wouldn't agree to anything there ("I need time to absorb this before making any decisions") .
