Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this. Pt 2

[Turbine]

So ignoring can be unintended but still hurts, still happened. In that case I am guilty. I wanted into my cave so to speak and neither of us understood that whole cave/tide relation. I wish I had read that book when I got married. That we had. Purely speculative but would the MR been different? Odds are yes. How though is anybodies guess. Definitely no fixing that.

So the question becomes how do we fix the MR. I have to fix me first. Then determine if the MR is even worth fixing/ saving/remodeling. All three terms work since not making changes means the MR remains broken or strained. Take your pick.

I know I messed up. It gets so old that everything that gets brought up is my fault. Does it ever end? If it doesn't then it becomes abuse. None of us deserve that. I suppose that would be a bridge I wouldn't rebuild then. I love her so very much. I don't know if it is that much.

More exercise. The muscle pain is far less than the pain from the gall bladder surgery. So easily tolerated. The pain emotionally from all this, as you all know, far worse. That which does not kill me makes me stronger.

W (I haven't seen spouses mentioned by name so... ), I am so sorry that you feel this is the only way. I can say why and when and how till I am blue in the face. That changes nothing about what happened and how you feel about it. I can only say that I am truly and deeply sorry for getting us here. Maybe if I had said no to a few things and yes for others. Who knows. I do know that when I said forever, and we were very young, I didn't really understand that commitment. Because we were young, in love and all the romantic part filled our day. Our married life started out in the worst possible way. Newly wed and leaving you with our daughter on the way, living in a new country with absolute strangers that were now family to care for and assist you. Things that I should have been doing. Things I wasn't able to do because I was in the Navy and they didn't care about that stuff. (They, as an organization do and don't) You did and grew so much while I was gone. Coming home to you and our daughter. Instant family. I know when you told me you were pregnant my reaction was disappointing to you. That wasn't the news I was expecting. I understand the process but we had made different plans. But we have three wonderful children. Our relationship with them is not whatever ideal you had in mind. I can't fix that. Each of us has to deal with that on our own. I wish I could though. That hurts you, our kids, hurts me. You are my better half. You are why I have tried so hard to do and give you everything. I want to keep doing that if you will let me.


I know... all of that is the right stuff to say and all the wrong stuff and pursuing, and pressuring her. Do I want to tell her all that and more. Who wouldn't on this forum. Will I tell her. Part of me screams yes do it tell her. Another part is putting hands on my shoulders, saying slow down you idiot. She isn't ready for that message. She may never be ready... at which point I fall off the path and into the darkness...

Does writing here help me? Sometimes yes. Does getting advice even if it isn't what I want to hear help? Maybe not right away but the rational side runs through it while riding out the emotional storm caused by that part. So please, please keep reading. If you have thoughts share them. Martians ask for help. I am asking. I am getting and find I still need more. Help me understand my Venusian.