I have been reading and my heart goes out to you and your kids. My sitch is different with respect to my kids so I have no first hand experience. I am glad people like kyh and peacetoday, people who have lived through something similar are reaching out.
Originally Posted by marina7
I as a LBS ask myself this how can we ever forgive someone who truly broken me to the core.
I trusted W with me with my Trios and W did everything I protected my kids from.
I simply can't. I just don't know. How can a MLC do that.
You are getting well detached and starting to let go. You are seeking understanding and acceptance of this - very good.
How can W do this? She needs to. We cannot understand the MLCer’s action and behaviour from our viewpoint. Try to see or imagine things from her view, however a caution do not look or venture into the rabbit hole for too long - it is difficult to get free from.
For W, she is tormented by thoughts and demons you do not know about, and she may not even know about. She is plunged into depression, living in darkness and despair, and therefore lashing out at people once so dear to her. Confusion and conflict rein within her brain when she is not busily distracting herself, her past tortures her when she is still and quiet, imagine what she feels laying in bed, still, darkness, alone with her thoughts.
She is driven to do what she has done. She has to do it, she must escape her pain. She causes so much destruction and pain trying to find peace, all of which add to her guilt and suffering. She is so desperate and is taking such desperate measures to “fix” things.
You can understand her pain and actions, you need not condone them, she does not get a free pass.
If you can truely understand someone, her, you completely love them. How can you not? Understanding someone would allow you to understand their justifications for their behaviour. To see the workings of their mind and the suffering they are fleeing.
You do not need to fully understand W. If you can see this idea of understanding, and have a bit of empathy and understanding, then I am sure you can love her. That doesn’t mean being in an R with her, it just means you can care about and love her.
When you love someone, you will forgive them.
Being broken to the core, I do know what you are feeling. It will not prevent forgiveness, just keep working and healing yourself.
The loss of trust, will also not prevent forgiveness. The regaining of trust is another matter entirely.
“I simply can’t. I just don’t know how.”
marina, you can. It is a determined effort and you can do it. The process of focus on and protect you and kids, GAL, detach, let go, accept, forgive, etc... - it really works. You can get there, you will get there.
Forgiveness is really for you. W may not even know that you have forgiven her, and you may not want to inform her. When you find forgiveness you will find peace, contentment, and love in your life - even towards your W.
I do realize this is a bit in to your future, and may sound a little piece in the sky at the moment. Don’t worry and don’t give up. You are doing great and I am impressed on how well you have been handling your situation.
You are a good soul and a strong sprit.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
