Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this. Pt 2

[Turbine]

If I had to grade myself in the Detaching course right now I would be giving myself a failing grade. Not even positive comments for effort. Because I go to sleep without her next to me, Wake up that way, eat, cook, etc. Yet she is front and center on my mind.

Same as GAL. Its all mechanical now. No joy in activities that I enjoyed before either. Not going to the movies. Heck I cried during Deadpool 2. Not exactly a tear jerker. I want to be there with her. Or not at a movie. Having a nice dinner that we cooked or at a restaurant we went to because. Hug and kiss before we went to work. Making her a lunch just because.

Yeah I asked her about the lunches. More for was she enjoying them and would she like something different than a pat on the back. She said no so I stopped. Yes I know she is capable of doing that for herself. I said as much and said I didn't mind doing this because I was already doing it for one so two was a few seconds more. Nope.

There is a huge hole still and I don't ever see it being filled again.

This is so wrong. There are so many memories, all across the spectrum, that we share. So many more I want us to have. Even the trip we took last year to visit her family she now resents that I went. I don't understand why. Complain I don't do something and then complain when I do.

Maybe the D is the right thing in the long term but right now That canvas is pretty empty and looks dark. Maybe even a piece of black velvet. Yeah those paintings look cheap and tawdry. Yippee me.

Down moment. Stretching into another moment and another. Wow the whole day has been garbage.

Did some stuff around the house in prep for winter. Functional life. Phtttt....