I think you are right... he totally had expectations of you coming with him. I get about not being able to face him too. Yesterday I just needed to leave. Today I came home from my volunteer work and he was at home checking in on the kids (their grandma has gone for a couple of days). He got a big smile on his face when he saw me. Made me wonder if the smile was because he was genuinely happy to see me or if it he thinks the best defense is a good offense and if he smiles, I can’t be made at him. I hope it is the former but it could just as easily be the latter. Anyway, I gave him a few ideas (errands) he could do with the kids and he happily went off to do them. Tomorrow is technically his day and he told me he is thinking about taking them river fishing. I reminded him we still have a half bottle of wine left from Tuesday and he said we will have to finish it off soon. I almost invited him to dinner but stopped myself... detach, detach, detach.
Speaking of... I know what you mean about it feeling wrong. I think my H’s and I biggest problem in our marriage was that we did not interact with each other enough. We were ships that passed in the night (mostly his fault because he was running away to his boat/garage) but even before then, we got into this habit of “tag teaming” on the child care. We had a big house with a lot of upkeep to do and both of us had long commutes so would try to cram everything into the weekend. Usually that meant he would take off with the kids for an afternoon and I would do laundry, vacuuming, etc... What I realize now is that we would have been far better off to get the housework done first and then go somewhere together but hindsight is always 20/20. We were also living pay cheque to pay cheque despite both having good careers because we were living in the most expensive neighbourhood in the country (where he grew up) which didn’t help as we were never really able to go anywhere or have too many date nights. In short, we focused on the kids and our home and really just ignored our relationship - took it for granted. I knew it on some level but just kept telling myself we could “fix it” when the kids got bigger and more independent and we had more $. Well...that time has arrived and look where we are. No one ever said life was fair. So...longwinded answer to your question. Yes...it does feel wrong. In my case because I think distancing is what got us here in the first place. A 180 for me would be paying more attention to my H, not less. But... I think that is only if he were still living with me. I think because he is gone, I need to detach...for me and my sanity. Lately I’ve been telling myself that he isn’t coming back. I don’t fully believe that yet...but I really need to start getting used to the idea so I am not completely devastated when/if it becomes clear that is the way this is heading. If I were you, I would probably say “yes” to the next invitation that comes my way. It is that difficult balancing act of detaching but still leaving the door open. I think you can feel good about saying “no” today. He got a clear message - you aren’t just sitting around waiting for him to pay you some attention. You have a life too. I guarantee you that your “no” made an impact. Make sure you thank him for the invite and tell him that you would have loved to have gone but you already had made plans. Keeps the door open for another invitation, I think.
Gotta run. I’m getting my nails done while my H is out with the kids. Factoring in the 8 hour difference in our time zones, I imagine you are winding down your day. Hope you had a good one and did something nice for yourself. (((HUGS)))
