I'm working on it. Part of my 180 is being able to listen more, I know I was not as available in the past, that is why I heard some of the new job details.
She followed up this AM with that has been the problem in the past that I would just walk away.
The "what's up" comment was a temp check on my end, I knew she was mad because S had just told her I went out and she expects me to be there waiting like a dog for scraps.
Her funny comment this morning was "I was here tonight and as usual no communication from you" yet she was awol the night before and NC from her. I didn't mention that to her.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Ok so question for my partners here. Today feels like a very big crossroad for me. WW is very bitter obviously about my GAL last night because I did not "communicate" what I was doing. She can swallow that for all I care but I have a number of issues that I need to discuss with her not R based. She did get me going for a quick second and I was ready to throw it all out in a brief phone convo but as advised I checked my emotion and said we can talk later when she wasn't as hostile.
I was going to throw out a sep agreement but stopped and said is that what I really want? No not now so I held back. However there are issues that I think she is working against me at this time and need help with how to discuss.
- A new position for her would be work at home, I don't want this to leverage any custody issues in event of D - I am looking at a 1099 sitch in a new job and do not want to pay out of pocket for healthcare when she can get it through her new job, she will flip over this - She previously mentioned getting a sign on bonus with new position to alleviate missing her EOY bonus at her present employer and mentioned last night that wasn't happening. Should I ask to see offer? She has been anything but upfront and financially very secretive. - Now that her finances are in better order wanted to revisit her contributing more to household bills
I feel like a lot of these issues need to be addressed now since she is changing employers but any of these points could trend to all out WWIII and back the need for sep agreement, which I have leverage due to recent insurance fraud on wedding band.
Do I address any, all, none? Is this me being controlling, or getting my pair back?
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
If your WW is angry about you not being there for her when she wants you to be, then your heading down the right path.
Setting new expectations on her contributing more financially sounds like the right thing to do IF she now has the means to do so. Why should you foot a larger portion just for the hell of it? Especially for a WW.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
Thoughts on WW saying I have never been there to talk, listen and part of the 180 I have been working on is being more attentive, yet she will talk forever about everything and it gets to the point of being redundant. Heck she doesn't even remember telling me most of it and it is repeated.
I feel like I am being the security blanket by being there to listen, when I should be walking away and letting her deal on her own? More anxiety today!
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Just updating....so did not discuss all of the previous points last night, just the healthcare issue. WW had a function at work, actually during work...drinking of course but she was home normal time and asked me to run out with her. Of course for a few drinks, but WTH at this point right?
She has been initiating more relationship talk lately and I have gone along and just listened. Said how much she is still hurting from 18 years of marriage (lol really it was all bad, I get it rewriting history). Awesome opportunity, tons of validation and didn't defend one point. Said the last few days I have not been available to talk and she is very stressed out about new job offer and needed me for support, said these are the things that I have done in the past and why she is cheating, angry and frustrated, needs support. Still no response on the OM garbage.
Said doesn't want to give up, loves, sees future together...again nothing but validation from, no way I'm returning L word, because I don't for one. Said reengaging IC because needs help, this will be her 3rd attempt, let's see if she follows through.
Later when we got home she got a call from friend of OM, she went upstairs and was talking loudly about some issues and referring to him as BF, etc etc, sounds like more trouble in paradise. I hear all this and call her out, but heck at this point she knows I know everything.
I'm not sure if I'm going a bit crazy myself, she may be back to cake eating but she is showing more and more emotion and I am returning nothing but validation and continuing GAL. It has been said before but it's almost like I am in an open marriage, no boundary can be made other than she wanted me in MBR last night and I said I'm not sleeping there with A is still going on.
I've asked friends to keep notes because this one can be made into a mini series. A lot of similarities in most sitches but I could give you a lot more details that would blow your mind. Really trying to protect kids at this point first and foremost because this chick is certifiably nuts. Hope she gets help!
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
I hear all this and call her out, but heck at this point she knows I know everything.
What did you "call her out" on? And why?
Why is she still in the MBR? Hasn't she abandoned the MR by having an affair? Boot her out - "sorry sister just the way it is".
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I've asked friends to keep notes because this one can be made into a mini series.
Please no. It sounds like you're drumming up the drama. Don't involve people who don't need to be, it will only create more problems.
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I feel like I am being the security blanket by being there to listen, when I should be walking away and letting her deal on her own? More anxiety today!
Your validation and listening are great! If you are GAL like you should be, she'll feel the security blanket isn't there - b/c it isn't. The former security blanket is GAL and feeling great! See how that works? And you don't even have to address it and say "I won't be your security blanket, WW". You just show her. Actions > Words.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
She has been initiating more relationship talk lately and I have gone along and just listened. Said how much she is still hurting from 18 years of marriage (lol really it was all bad, I get it rewriting history). Awesome opportunity, tons of validation and didn't defend one point. Said the last few days I have not been available to talk and she is very stressed out about new job offer and needed me for support, said these are the things that I have done in the past and why she is cheating, angry and frustrated, needs support. Still no response on the OM garbage.
Said doesn't want to give up, loves, sees future together...again nothing but validation from, no way I'm returning L word, because I don't for one. Said reengaging IC because needs help, this will be her 3rd attempt, let's see if she follows through.
Later when we got home she got a call from friend of OM, she went upstairs and was talking loudly about some issues and referring to him as BF, etc etc, sounds like more trouble in paradise. I hear all this and call her out, but heck at this point she knows I know everything.
Lost, she was referring to OM as BF? Look we're all about validation here, but NOT if there is an active affair. You need to be a %$^&ing Moai statue from Easter Island around her. She's yammering on and on about not wanting to give up on the M while actively engaging in an affair? Describing all her hurting from 18 year of marriage? NONE of that is worthy of validation. Shut that crap down. BE STONE COLD. Don't engage in ridiculous conversations with her. Your response should be "I am not interested in having R talks with you when you are actively pursuing OM" and then walk out of the room. I understand you may have been unavailable during the M and you are trying to 180 that, but right now is not the time for that. All you're doing is hand-feeding her cake. That's got to stop.
I'm not convinced she is as crazy as you think. Her actions are pretty consistent for a WW. The problem is you're treating her like a WAW rather than a WW, so you are making yourself crazy.
I'm not convinced she is as crazy as you think. Her actions are pretty consistent for a WW. The problem is you're treating her like a WAW rather than a WW, so you are making yourself crazy.
Gotcha on the R talks, but I'm telling you she is nuts. Ugh that is one of the reasons I am thinking of throwing in the towel. The double life she is leading is so destructive. It's like she is a street gangster. Trying to hang on and will do my best DB'ing.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Get your popcorn ready. Friday was setting up to be a chill night at home, whole family was there...thats a change. W was drinking....that's not a change. Fast forward a few hours and she had words with S14 who is very frustrated with mother and she decided to put her hands on him aggressively. I missed it but S22 did not and got in her face about this being how she treated him as a child. The next hour was bad, very bad. Breaking and throwing things, harsh words, taking swings at me. Both kids wanted to call police and we were very close before she resided to room to pass out.
Was not a good sitch, accused me of doing all this because kids knew too much. Of course they would know almost everything after 5 months and her behavior. Yes I had said too much but we are both responsible.
Next morning was very quiet, W had discussion with kids apologizing, vowing to get help/IC and apologized specifically to me. Rest of day was better and we hung out on Sunday to watch games.
This morning I heard from IC regarding payment for sessions so W did indeed reach out and set up appointment. We spoke about it this weekend and she said what if IC says to leave me. I told her she shouldn't even be discussing me unless that is where her pain is coming from. All of her issues that she had been haunted with need to be dealt with but said most ICs don't give that kind of advice. They are there to interpret and help cope.
We will see, wasn't optimistic Friday but the weekend ended much better.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
