BTW - I went to my friends wedding a few weeks ago. She married the man she met on a dating app six months after breaking up with her ex. Her sister made her join the dating app after being sick of her moping around the house.
When I first told a good friend of mine H and I were doing a trial separation, she immediately started talking about finding someone who can appreciate me. There no way I am launching into a relationship now or probably for a year or more. This time is for me. With that mindset, I don't think there could be any way of reconciliation. Anyway, rebounds don't often work out. Actually, I read a statistic that about 70% of 2nd marriages fail, especially when young kids are involved. Why do people think we need to be in a relationship to be happy!
I had a dream last night that H walked into the house, and said he needed an ambulance. I just looked at him, and he said he wasn't kidding, he really needed one. I woke up. It was very disturbing, and making me want to text him to ask him if he is o.k.
Then do it, as long as you do it in some manner that comes off as concern and validation rather than pursuit. Maybe "I had a bad dream about you, I'm sure it was nothing but just wanted to check with you and make sure everything is OK."
I'm not saying that he's suicidal, but one thing I've learned in my years is many women have something akin to a 6th sense. I don't know if it's just because you're generally more caring and sensitive but whenever a woman tells me about a dream or a feeling I never immediately discount it.
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When he first moved out, I was VERY fearful for his mental state and safety. He's said on many occasions he's no good to anyone, and a few times he might be better off dead (quite some time ago).
Well this is an area where our situations work against us, but a WAS can sometimes be very damaged and unfortunately the LBS is not in a position to do anything about it because more often than not the WAS doesn't want any help or advice from the LBS. There was a person who posted here years ago, in many ways it was a typical WAS story and they ended up separating and (I think) divorcing. She was living by herself and they had little contact, and what contact they did have usually didn't go too well. He dropped off the forums for months as sometimes happens, he came back just to quickly report that she had killed herself and then he dropped off again. I don't know how to tell a "regular" WAS that's simply unhappy from one that is truly going through something more serious, and I don't know what a LBS could do about it. Personally I think you have to walk a fine line between giving them time and space while also letting them know you support them no matter what. Allow them to talk and vent and complain and be unhappy and just listen and validate. If they do seem to be suicidal then perhaps call a suicide hotline and seek advice on what to do.
My instinct tells me I should mention it. I know I have to tread carefully. I'm out of town and we had a brief exchange about him looking in on the cat. Hard to gauge someone through text. We don't call. I think I'll send a quick text about it. I believe in that 6th sense. My trip out of town is last minute. Last week I had a strong feeling I needed to see my parents before they go away for the winter. My dad has a bad heart. Well, 2 days ago he was in the urgent care. So, I'm glad I'm on the plane heading there now!
Last night I messaged H telling him I had a bad dream about him and wondered if he was o.k. He just texted back "Yes, i'm o.k."
This morning he sent me a longer message wondering why I would ask him this as we messaged a few times yesterday (before I asked him if he was o.k.). He added that he thought I didn't believe in dreams. I was a little surprised about his message. I briefly explained about my premonition about my dad, and if that didn't happen, I probably wouldn't have thought much about it. Then just back and forth about him staying one night at the house this weekend, which is fine with me, I won't be there. He's doing the lawn, getting ready for Halloween, and watching the cat.
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I realized something this morning. There are so many small things that can bring happiness. It's only 10 a.m., and here are the things that have made me happy already today:
1. Peace and quiet of pre-dawn. 2. Hearing the chirp of an unseen Robin (we have none where I live now). 3. The fall leaves crunching under my feet. 4. Getting a cup of coffee and the clerk tells me they don't take credit-cards, but to take the coffee and I can just pay the next time I am in. 5. Going through photos and items from my youth that my parents saved for me.
Hell yes Grace! I am loving those happy things. I take my pup out in the mornings and we listen and watch the geese and ducks in the lake and ponds around the house. I'll call to them sometimes. The trees are almost at peak where I live. And cool mornings and hot coffee are the best. I've just gotten a load of firewood and started making soups and stews and fresh bread. So much positive in life that we can miss if we let the negatives overtake us!!!!
Dreams can mean A LOT!!!! Not all of our thoughts make it to the conscious level for one reason or another. And often it is to protect us from pain. Suppressing negatives thoughts. But your dream means something, without a doubt. I don't disagree with telling him, but I may have chose differently. Now you know he is fine. But I think your dream pointed to his actions on a large scale picture. What you need to realize is that you can't save him right now. That [censored].... Unless he wants your help, he only sees your help as controlling, trying to fix him and get him back where you want him. And that is probably partially true although it doesn't make you a bad person.
I'm going for some espresso and a fire tomorrow morning and next weekend I'll be making coffee and breakfast in the duck blind with a fresh young pup. La dolce vita!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
So I had another dream last night. Weird and a bit disturbing. A man was trying to take me out, said get ready. I said what about her. He said something to the effect she will do whatever he says, and not to worry about her. The conversation was a bit jumbled. He said he just needed to take care of something. He pushed out a dresser from a third floor window and it took him with it! Lay dead on the ground. I thought I hope the police don't think I did it! Then I woke up.
WTF I never have had dreams like this. Is it the death of my marriage? Is it my worries about Hs safety? Yikes. I don't like it.
Back to counting my blessings and trying to enjoy the rest of my vacation with friends and family.
This morning he sent me a longer message wondering why I would ask him this as we messaged a few times yesterday (before I asked him if he was o.k.). He added that he thought I didn't believe in dreams. I was a little surprised about his message. I briefly explained about my premonition about my dad, and if that didn't happen, I probably wouldn't have thought much about it.
Great, you handled it perfectly!
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I realized something this morning. There are so many small things that can bring happiness. It's only 10 a.m., and here are the things that have made me happy already today:
1. Peace and quiet of pre-dawn. 2. Hearing the chirp of an unseen Robin (we have none where I live now). 3. The fall leaves crunching under my feet. 4. Getting a cup of coffee and the clerk tells me they don't take credit-cards, but to take the coffee and I can just pay the next time I am in. 5. Going through photos and items from my youth that my parents saved for me.
Life is good.
Excellent attitude! More often than not a WAS will be attracted back to a LBS when they sense that the LBS is doing just fine without them. You suddenly become "higher value" than when you are moping and needy and depressed. But finding happiness in small things and just generally seeking excuses to have a great attitude are worthwhile efforts whether you recon or not
Last night H came over to work on the Halloween decorations. We do it really big at our house, and the whole neighborhood starts asking several weeks in advance about it. So, H decided that he wanted to do it again this year, although a bit scaled back. Anyway, I said I was making a drink and asked him if he wanted one afterward, and he said sure. We chatted cordially for about 20 minutes. He had stayed at the house 2 nights while I was gone (he asked), and asked several times if he noticed I kept the house just as pristine as I left it and pointed out a few of the specifics. I assured him I DID notice and said I appreciated it. He gave me a quick kiss and hug goodbye. He held on for a few seconds. Here’s where I fell off the wagon. I told him I missed him. He said he missed me too. That was it. He left. So, I’d appreciate feedback from any veteran’s if this is a setback in detachment. I got right back on the wagon, though.
Today he did something that just annoyed me, so I’m writing it down so I can get rid of it! I visited his mom. Texted him about her status. H responds but not on that topic. He said “I wish you hadn’t volunteered me to pick up S21 Friday night” (from the bus from school).
I responded that I would appreciate it if he would not assume that I volunteered him because I did not. I told him I was not available and that he would have to check with his dad to see if he were available.
He responded “He didn’t ask me as a question he said you were unavailable and I (S21) was told that I (H) had to pick him up”.
I responded “next time please just ask me because that’s not what happened. He completely said his own thing and not what I said”.
No response. I want an apology! I will not get it, I’m sure. Maybe I should have ignored the first text, but I felt I needed to set the record straight. His knee jerk reactions without all the facts is not uncommon, unfortunately. It’s something I started addressing (calmly) prior to his moving out.
Everyone has moments where they slip up. I don’t think last night is a big deal. You did the right thing, getting back on track.
As for the text exchange, honestly I can see my husband and I having that exchange.
For me, this would mean I was slipping on one of my 180s, which is to not be so prickly or quick to be offended.
What are the 180s you are working on?
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Hmmm. Good question. I’ve mainly focused on detaching and GAL. But I guess what comes to mind is actively resisting telling H what I think he should do, for example with interacting with the kids, visiting his mom or following up on medical appointments. I used to organize everything, and am just stepping back and waiting for H to bring it up if he wants. Not much of that is going on as we don’t see each other much, but I am aware of it when we do interact.
I think I'll refresh myself on this concept and see where I can improve. Thanks for the reminder.
