Had a bit of a tough morning so am journaling twice today. I'm sure as the volatility in my emotions will level out the journaling will be less, but for now, it seems to keep the pain at bay.
H was picking the kids up this morning to take them out for the day. Normally he arrives around 8, we cross over for ten minutes and then I leave. But today I got a last minute text to join a work call at 8 am, and as it was already late I decided to take the call from home. I was already on the call when H arrived. In the past he hated hearing me on calls. He would never say anything. Just get a bit sulky and then make little comments later. I think this is because on some level he hated that I was so independent. Anyway, he saw I was on the call but didn't comment. He made both of us a cup of tea and then sat with the children in the living room. He took the recycling out. He walked the dog for 20 mins in the rain. When he came back, he sat with the children some more and then eventually asked them to get ready for their day out. I was already off the call at this point.
He helped them get ready, I wished them all a great day and shut the door behind them.
Then I went into my room and cried.
They were leaving to go to a fun park without me. Everyone was all sunshine and unicorns. The kids (because they were genuinely happy to be going out), me (putting on a brave face), H (perhaps it was genuine happiness, perhaps it was pretending a little bit too).
All I know is them spending a family day without me seems so normal now that it breaks my heart.
The kids are staying with them tonight then H is taking them to his mums tomorrow to go pumpkin picking. He is joining them at the pumpkin patch and asked if I would pick them up. He mentioned I am welcome to join the kids for lunch. Not sure if he will be there or not - he is going out tomorrow night so that is probably why he said I should pick them up.
When does the new normal just become normal? If it stops hurting, does that mean that I have stood down?
I have been thinking about the sudden niceness as well. I think it is a little bit relief (the pressure is off), it is a little bit guilt, and it is a little bit because he genuinely does not want me to be hurt. It does not feel like he is cake eating. I think on some level it would feel better if it felt like cake eating. Because at least then it would show he missed me, even a little bit.
