I stopped playing for a good number of years, and then started a bit again when I met XH. I got back into it more after dabbling in meditation, and that helped in the most amazing way. I tend to use that now.
I did get some beta blockers from my doctor, but it was for the stress I was suffering after my gran died, back in 2007 and I lost job I had done for a good number of years and really loved (through the place closing). It was soon after that, that XH's behaviour started going rapidly downhill.
Anyhow, the beta blockers were great and really helped me come down from the stress I was feeling at that time. And they had absolutely no side effects, which was amazing.
Jeez, when I look back to all of that, I'm thinking 'why on earth did I put up with that and let all of that happen?'. A lot of the time, the stress I've felt has been as the result of putting up with other people's behaviour. I got stage fright as a result of a horrible teacher I had for the last two years of my degree (something along the lines of the teacher in 'Whiplash', but not as bad. Same type of person though, and he did some similar things).
Why have I not been more assertive? Or just simply turned away from people behaving in that way towards me? No need for any big drama, just a turning away to protect myself and follow my own path. Why have I been so caught in that dynamic? Why did I not feel that I could believe in myself enough to just turn away and follow my own path?
The things that I've done in my life that I've been proudest of have been when I've done exactly that: followed my own path and done what has been important to me.
Wow, I'm feeling my purpose really start to sharpen and come into focus thinking along this train of thought.
I think maybe all of this is the result of coming through the past couple of weeks and the whole BD anniversary time of year. I felt a little low and drained of energy round about the time of it. Then I felt myself get angry.
Yesterday I was working with a colleague who I've known for a while and I get on really well with. She was talking about how her latest spell of feeling down about herself was the result of an XBF saying some not very nice things about her. My totally unthinking reaction was 'why on earth listen to anything he has said about you? Why let someone else affect you that much?'. I started feeling quite indignant on her behalf.
It's always easy to feel indignant on someone else's behalf for me. Well, guess what? Time for me to tap into some of that feeling for myself.
