I stopped during both pregnancies and during breastfeeding (I did it for the kids) but started straight after as in my head it was the only break I got. Once, they'd be put to bed, I could go outside and do something just for me.That's what it felt like for a long time. Something just for me. Not for the kids, not for H. But just for me. Sounds pretty pathetic now.
H hated it. He would make lots of comments. But to me, it was him trying to control me so smoking was kind of like a silent two fingers up to him. I tried post BD. I lasted three months. Christmas and NY broke me. It was the wrong time to try. This time I am not telling anyone I am giving up. I am just going to do it.
DejaVu - I read on your thread that you are an IC for depressed anxious teenagers. I have a question about depression. Looking back H was very much in the midst of his depression at BD. I suspect it had been going on for at least 6-8 months before but reached its heights immediately after BD ... all that hatred just spewed out of him ... and stayed at that level until he MO. He would avoid coming home, watch TV for hours and he spoke of his unhappiness and not knowing how to be happy as the reason for the BD. He wouldn't look at me because I became (in his head) the cause of that unhappiness. Even the children were too much for him and he avoided them also. He became a loving father again as soon as he MO. But it took 7 months to start treating me like a person again. I am not sure if (in his head) we have gone too far down the separation route to reconcile, but I do suspect the fog is lifting.
My question then is when people start to come out of their depression, do they recognize the hurt they have caused others ? Do they feel any guilt? I guess I am looking for a reason for the sudden pleasantness.
