I saw a video of the polarizing Canadian physiologist Dr. Jordan Peterson liken divorce and the whole process akin to a long term non-terminal case of cancer. That thought popped in my head when you mentioned the tragedy and loss of your parents to cancer.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
TF... I have listened to a couple of Jordan Peterson's podcasts... Reality and the Sacred is a great one... and may be the video you watched. I know he is controversial but I definitely identify with some of the things he says. The sacred is really what is being lost in society, I think. This idea that we should live to a higher moral standard even if we aren't necessarily "happy" doing it. I have always strived to live my life the "right way". My moral compass is extremely strong. My H, on the other hand, his changes direction all the time according to his "feelings" and his ability to justify going off course. I have a clear vision of who I am, what I stand for, how I want to live my life, what kind of example I want to set for my children. My H would have a hard time articulating what his moral code is. Maybe that he doesn't kill anyone?? Judging from his behaviour... the list of "do nots' is not long currently. Anyway... if you haven't heard this podcast, you should give it a listen. I think it's pretty on point.
In some ways, I feel like it would be easier if we didn’t have the kids as I could really get some distance. But we do have them and with him living so close to us, it is just so easy for him to come and go. Good for the kids… ot so good for me. Even though on some level, I like to see him, I could also use some time of not seeing him as my down days seem to coincide with the pop-ins. This morning, he came by to pick up our daughter to take her to her tutoring appointment. He was a bit early so when I came out of my room, he was standing there with a cup of coffee he had poured for himself. He saw me and asked my daughter for her IPad so he could show me a video of a new electric car he thinks is really cool. He is so delusional… news flash… if you and I split up, there is NO WAY you will be able to afford that. But…he doesn’t deal with our finances so he really has no clue about things like that.
I have the same feeling all the time. I went out for an hour yesterday (whilst he was watching the kids) and when I came back he had made himself toast and was sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast. He is still so at home here. Part of me likes this. Part of me misses this. But I cannot kiss him on the shoulder when I walk past, I cannot kiss him goodbye when I leave. Then he says something like "I caught up with X a couple of weeks ago" and I think to myself, why didn't I know that. Oh yeah, because we're separated and I have no idea what you do when you're not here.
Oh, and the car he bought himself pre BD. It was a Tesla - apparently the car for the average MLC'r is not only ridiculously expensive but now also environmentally friendly. I hate that f*&^@g car.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
. I wonder if there is a way to do that and still hang on to my love for him. This is a question I ask myself every day. That and I wonder why I would even love someone who has lied to me and our children for so long. Is that love or is it just neediness? The reality is that I don’t think I really know my H anymore…if I ever did. I don’t think he knows himself so how can I possibly know him?
Detaching is a tool to help keep us safe in the midst of their craziness. But, I agree. With each passing day, I feel further and further away from him and one day I fear that I will be so far away that I won't be able to see the man I love anymore.
You do not strike me as needy. You see the man he was and the man he still can be. The question of how much pain you can take before that man emerges is really up to you. I face this question every time he hurts me with his "I am soooo much happier now" demeanor.
I read your posts and think to myself that is the kind of woman I want to be. You show such strength, resolve and most importantly warmth. Hang in there. You're going to be fine.
And I had already guessed you had a good moral compass.
TF... I have listened to a couple of Jordan Peterson's podcasts... Reality and the Sacred is a great one... and may be the video you watched. I know he is controversial but I definitely identify with some of the things he says. The sacred is really what is being lost in society, I think. This idea that we should live to a higher moral standard even if we aren't necessarily "happy" doing it. I have always strived to live my life the "right way". My moral compass is extremely strong. My H, on the other hand, his changes direction all the time according to his "feelings" and his ability to justify going off course. I have a clear vision of who I am, what I stand for, how I want to live my life, what kind of example I want to set for my children. My H would have a hard time articulating what his moral code is. Maybe that he doesn't kill anyone?? Judging from his behaviour... the list of "do nots' is not long currently. Anyway... if you haven't heard this podcast, you should give it a listen. I think it's pretty on point.
I think Dr. JP political stuff is what he is controversially known for. His psychology and his ability to mix, religion(s) and myth are where he is spot on. I listen to him quite often during workouts. His recent book is on my to read list. The video I watched was from a university lecture in Toronto I think. I will go seek out this podcast thank you.
I too feel that I have a strong moral compass. I thought my W also had a strong moral compass, but it appears to not be the case. Its possible that she is who she is and I just projected myself onto her. I believe you said somewhere you were an IC for children. I could be wrong. Anyway my IC told told me as we age we develop mentally/emotionally and crisis such as D can propel us early to the next level or stage maturing us further along to that older wise person stage. However, people can freeze and be stuck as is likely for my W and your H. They could be at a much younger stage than you or I. Unfortunately, they may never get out of that stage or it takes a long time. They have to work it out, but they can seek help. We can lead by example for them, but we cannot do it for them. Hence we are all in the sitch we are in.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
You have a good memory. Ironically, I am an IC - for teens mostly. Lots of depressed and anxious teens out there... I will never be out of work. Sadly. I think that is where I struggle to detach from my H's "self-exploration" attempts. I know I am not his counsellor yet as his wife, I have sometimes fallen into the role. For sure he is at an earlier stage than me if for no other reason than our different upbringings. His family is very challenged when it comes to communication and his dad has no real moral compass that I have seen. Self-gratification has always been high on his priority list. I feel sad for my H that he is the role model he had growing up. My dad was ten times the father that my H's dad was. Still...my H is a smart guy...he could have made different choices. I am also aware that he has a heck of a lot to work out. It is just hard sometimes to step back and let him do it. He struggles with things that for me are a "no brainer" and works overtime to justify his behaviour and questionable decisions. If only he had worked that hard on being a husband and a father, we would not be in this mess. If only...
Thank-you FS for all your kind words. Not sure I measure up to them on a day-to-day basis but it is what I strive for. Trying to avoid contacting my H as much as possible to let him be after our talk. But man it is hard...something seems to come up every day with the kids or the house. But I am getting better with the business texts, for the most part. Sometimes I will get sucked into a friendly exchange but it is a work in progress. I know I will likely see my H today. The kids have a costume party to go to and he is the costume guy so he will be here getting them ready. Or maybe he will get them ready and then bail before I get home. That is certainly possible. Not sure which I would prefer. Contact hurts and no contact hurts... doesn’t seem to matter. Gosh...I just wish I could press fast forward and see how this story ends so I can just get used to the idea. The recommended and smart thing to do is move on and accept he is not coming back. I feel like I need to take a couple weeks and take a trip or something in order to do that but alas, duty calls. There is no running away when you have kids - unless you are my H, I suppose. He’s been running for months. Anyway...the day awaits. I’m going to make it a good one. Hope you are able to do the same. (((HUGS)))
I don't think the friendly exchanges are a bad thing. Like talking to a work colleague about a joint project. Sometimes there is small talk, sometimes it is straight down to the work stuff. It does seem very fake. We are both very careful not to say anything that will lead to R talks.
I read some of the threads on here and think, it would be so much easier to detach if my H was just a straight up b****d. At least hate could drive me forward. At the moment I am just stuck.
I have taken a few holidays on my own since BD. I did a weeks yoga retreat and a three day spiritual retreat. I found these really useful. I came back lighter after both. I would definitely recommend it. Though, it didn't take long for the weight of reality to hit me.
If it helps - the sadness occurs less now. I cried practically every day for months. Songs, movies, looking at my ids, anytime someone mentioned his name. Though, when the sadness hits, it is as intense as when it first happened.
Thanks FS. I had a good day at work and then when I got home, my H was there getting our kids ready for their Hallowe’en party. I never know how I am going to feel when I see him. Tonight I was feeling neutral when I walked in but it quickly turned to uncomfortable and then irritated. I don’t know why. I guess maybe because it is Friday night and it still hurts that he would rather spend it somewhere else? Anyway...he was driving them to their party and I was supposed to pick them up. I suddenly realized I did not want to watch them leave so I quickly changed, said good-bye to the kids and “see ya” to my H. He had a weird look on his face...it struck me as kind of amused. Ugh. Like maybe he thought I was just leaving to leave. I was, in a way, but I really can’t stand to be here with him sometimes so I went to my sister’s as she had called to see if I wanted to come over anyway. I did feel a little bit good that I left first. My goal this weekend is to not text him at all. I need some distance. I realized that it has only been six weeks since I found out about all this but it seems like it has been so much longer. Technically...I guess it has been.
I think you are right FS. If my H was a total B*****d, it might be easier to detach. Hate would be a handy emotion at this time. I feel stuck too. Tonight I joined a meetup group in my city for women 40+. I think I am going to force myself to go to one of their events. I need to meet some new people and expand my circle of friends. Not feeling super hopeful these days. Sadly I think my H is quite happy to be a part-time dad and living on his own.
Went into my bathroom to get ready for bed and noticed my H’s electric toothbrush is gone. I am pretty sure it was there last night so he must have taken it today. I don’t know why but for some reason that really hit me hard. I mean, how crazy right, out of everything that has disappeared from our home that I would care the most about his toothbrush. Had a surge of emotions when I saw it wasn’t there. I immediately took everything else of his that was on the bathroom counter and shoved it into a drawer. Now when I look in the bathroom, it definitely looks like only one person uses it. I’m really hating him in this moment... for being such a selfish short-sighted man-child....for doing this to me and to our kids. I keep asking myself why I would want this person in my life - someone who has done nothing but lie to me and leave me alone to take care of everything for the better part of four years. How does he look at himself in the mirror each morning? I know I will eventually get to a place where I accept it but I will never, ever, ever understand it.
