Hi Equalzr, thanks for the invite to join the conversation. I've been pretty vocal about men being SAHD's; men coming home from their jobs and then doing all the work at home; and men who have the false idea that when the W is not happy in the MR, it's his clue to wear a Super Husband cape and do EVERYTHING for the little princess. The worst I've heard about is men who work fulltime, and the W does not work, and he does everything (grocery shopping, yard work, cook, clean, laundry......everything) while she is bored stiff b/c she has nothing to do. Then, he wonders why she doesn't respect him as a man and why they have a SSM.
We are speaking mainly in general terms about men losing their W's respect over him doing too much of the domestic work. However, it's difficult for me to not give specifics, b/c every stitch a bit a different. Clear communication and understanding one another's needs and/or expectations is crucial, and the earlier in the M, the better. In other words, when it's just the H & W (before babies come along), and also understand that with time, their situation will change, and that calls for them to be flexible...….or have a MR at risk.
I will be the first to tell men that women can be spoiled, just like a child. Spoiled women can develop expectations rather quickly, and they aren't very appreciative, as their list of demands may tend to grow. (Just for the record, men can be spoiled, too, but we're talking about the W). This affects her level of respect b/c the poor H is trying to appease, but he is actually catering to her by doing whatever she desires. There needs to be a clear line in what is considered chores, what is considered "helping" or "assistance", and what is volunteered. This is where things tend to get out of balance, b/c one of them will see this "activity" as a sign of love. That can lead to more discussion, but for now I'll try to keep it here by saying if the H is doing all the work and leaving nothing for his able bodied W, he is making a big mistake. This quickly places him in a subservient role, rather than being seen as head of the home/family. She begins to feel an entitlement......and superiority. It shows in how she interacts with him. When women have a H who is more than happy to oblige. I think she has to keep her attitude/spirit sweet, loving, and appreciative for everything he does......and the H has to keep her in check!
IMHO, the couple should decide which "chores" each will do. Depending on several things, such as if they both have careers, if they have children, if one is a stay-at-home parent, if one has any health issues, etc., etc. Of course, the ideal situation is where both are working together to take care of their family's needs. However, one spouse may feel they have more of the burden, and problems begin with resentment.
Maybe some couples can have a good MR where the W has a career and the H is a SAHD. I just have not seen any that were successful, b/c of similar reasons I stated previously. She loses attraction for him as a man, when this is a long term setup. Since being on the board, I've seen some young H's who said they thought by doing absolutely everything and not leaving any unfinished work for the W, it proved how much he loved her. Of course, these men had a huge case of NGS......and as a result, had even bigger rotten WW's. As the head of the home, I believe the man has to maintain this balance, and it's up to him to set things aright when his W's attitude shifts. Make sense?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
