In some ways, I feel like it would be easier if we didn’t have the kids as I could really get some distance. But we do have them and with him living so close to us, it is just so easy for him to come and go. Good for the kids… ot so good for me. Even though on some level, I like to see him, I could also use some time of not seeing him as my down days seem to coincide with the pop-ins. This morning, he came by to pick up our daughter to take her to her tutoring appointment. He was a bit early so when I came out of my room, he was standing there with a cup of coffee he had poured for himself. He saw me and asked my daughter for her IPad so he could show me a video of a new electric car he thinks is really cool. He is so delusional… news flash… if you and I split up, there is NO WAY you will be able to afford that. But…he doesn’t deal with our finances so he really has no clue about things like that.
I have the same feeling all the time. I went out for an hour yesterday (whilst he was watching the kids) and when I came back he had made himself toast and was sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast. He is still so at home here. Part of me likes this. Part of me misses this. But I cannot kiss him on the shoulder when I walk past, I cannot kiss him goodbye when I leave. Then he says something like "I caught up with X a couple of weeks ago" and I think to myself, why didn't I know that. Oh yeah, because we're separated and I have no idea what you do when you're not here.
Oh, and the car he bought himself pre BD. It was a Tesla - apparently the car for the average MLC'r is not only ridiculously expensive but now also environmentally friendly. I hate that f*&^@g car.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
. I wonder if there is a way to do that and still hang on to my love for him. This is a question I ask myself every day. That and I wonder why I would even love someone who has lied to me and our children for so long. Is that love or is it just neediness? The reality is that I don’t think I really know my H anymore…if I ever did. I don’t think he knows himself so how can I possibly know him?
Detaching is a tool to help keep us safe in the midst of their craziness. But, I agree. With each passing day, I feel further and further away from him and one day I fear that I will be so far away that I won't be able to see the man I love anymore.
You do not strike me as needy. You see the man he was and the man he still can be. The question of how much pain you can take before that man emerges is really up to you. I face this question every time he hurts me with his "I am soooo much happier now" demeanor.
I read your posts and think to myself that is the kind of woman I want to be. You show such strength, resolve and most importantly warmth. Hang in there. You're going to be fine.
And I had already guessed you had a good moral compass.
