This is a very difficult situation. I have tried, like you Ruby, to keep everything as cordial as possible. HaWho told me a while back that with the ones that are extremely passive-aggressive (and frankly I think mine would go down in the annals as being one of the biggest ever) that it is very easy to get trapped in a tit-for-tat situation, and I have fallen down that trap for brief moments and understand entirely what she means.
I struggle with the security stuff Andrew. I do not want to do anything to hurt him in his career (which would not only hurt him but financially devastate me and the kids), and I do not want to embarrass him in any way (given his career this alone could be suicide for him) because I know how important his image is and I'm concerned about how he would respond.
I know that he really, really likes negative supply from me and that he anchor checks by taking passive actions that force me to anchor check him and give him supply. So I'm trying very hard not to have any contact with him at all or to let him know that these things bother me. I did have to tell him a few weeks ago that the insurance company is trying to reach him because it is my policy that is at issue and to them I look like the uncooperative one. He still did nothing.
While I don't think he would hurt me, there was a story recently in the news of a HS tennis coach. She and her H had been divorced for years and mostly amicably co-parenting. With absolutely no history, he killed her and the kids. We are in the very early stages of the divorce that he is clearly struggling with getting through. We are basically at the filing stage because the stuff that has happened related to it being the wrong court, which has to be sorted before you do anything else. We don't co-parent. He refuses to speak with me or acknowledge my communications unless I specifically say that I need you to respond to this. We haven't even reached anything that contentious, but his actions are already escalating wildly and becoming concerning. He is very clearly struggling with his loss of control over me and the kids.
I have sent my lawyer a couple of emails about all the stuff he has been doing but haven't heard back. She is very much don't rock the boat as long as he is still paying and son is not being harmed.
My house is pretty safe. Not easy to break into and in a visible location so that such efforts would be seen. I do find myself looking all around every time I come home and not getting out of the car until the garage door has shut. I've cut off his view of anything financial so he has no idea where we go, shop, have appointments (although now that he has the EOBs he can find that out). Everyone in my life knows that if anything at all were to happen to me, he would be the one behind it, but that doesn't really help.
I think, but can't be certain, that the affair fog is over, the chemicals have died down, life has gotten real, and he is awakening to what he has lost and is scared, but too passive aggressive to just ask to see my son or forge ahead in the divorce to get things to a normal place. I have tried again and again to reach out in a kind way to bring about a resolution, but he sees that as pursuit, tells me to move on, and does nothing. I wouldn't say that I am frightened, so much as unsettled. It is difficult to live your daily life when these "surprises" keep happening. I haven't even mentioned all of them.
