Still Lost pt3

[Wanted1]

I was just thinking about this because my WW wasn't always a selfish person. If anything she was NOT selfish enough. She had NGS toward me! (G=girl)

What I know about my WW, though, is the shame and the guilt stuff she has been dealing with her whole life plays a role. Some people feel so poorly about themselves that they seek external validation. When I stopped being her source of validation, she turned elsewhere. It was a survival thing. Funny, because AFTER BD it was all about me being the "desperate" and "clingy" person.

Then there's the guilt. I think THIS matters a lot. Rationalization, AFTER the fact.

WW self-talk: "Oops, I had an A. Oh no, this means I'm a terrible person! Oh NO, how will I ever live with myself? Wait a minute, if I had an A, it means that something was wrong. Yeah! My H wasn't a good H. That's probably why. If he was a good H I would have been happy with him and then not had the A. Whew, glad there was an explanation, otherwise I might have been unable to go on. OK, so that's what I'm going to tell people. Then they won't hate me as much as I hate myself. Oh, and I might as well tell myself the same thing, because then I won't hate myself, either. Oh and get rid of H because who wants to be reminded of that nonsense? He wasn't a good H, AND he thinks he can fix it, AND then people will think he's better than me, AND just seeing him reminds me of the horrible thing I did."

I dunno, something like that.

burned, dude.... this seems spot on. Especially with my W in my sitch. After our joint session last week, my IC (who had only met my W for that 1 hour of session) told me on Monday during our session that she feels as though my W is still dealing with some intense self-guilt and shame. I wanted to believe her, because it made sense, and in fact, right after I found out about the A a month ago, that was W's initial mindset -- "All I do is hurt you." "I have never been with anyone who I haven't hurt." "I've actually thought it would be so much easier for everyone if I just wasn't on this earth anymore..." etc, etc.

My IC has said external validation seems to be something my W has felt she needs or has looked for. Sort of like her 'achilles heal.' My W has admitted as much to me as well. IC told me that can be caused by the sexual abuse my W experienced in her childhood. Plus, it is part of the description of a Type 3 personality under the Enneagram Test. For those of you who haven't read up on my sitch, my W experienced sexual abuse (along with her siblings) at a very young age by their biological father. W's Mom never explained what happened to any of them and they never received any counseling or therapy after the events. So, my W has gone 30 years always knowing kind of what happened but nothing more and has never dealt with any of it in a healthy manner (counseling/therapy). Earlier this year she started looking into what happened in the court files and its been a runaway train down hill since then. She's carried that burden for her entire life. While I can't imagine what its like and I truly feel bad for what she went through, there is still no excuse to handle it the way she has by betraying her H and family. I understand how it happened but that doesn't make it right.

So, your little synopsis of the thought process that WWs might go through could be spot freaking on. Not sure if that mindset is better or worse for the LBS (all of us), but it makes some sense!

Sorry for the hijack!