Wanted, I know this is tough, I'm going to sling a couple of 2x4's your way but they are offered in the spirit of helping you on this difficult journey:
Originally Posted by Wanted1
W has her IC session today. First one since the joint session we had last week. I'm hoping her IC can maybe shed some light on some of the issues she's dealing with after she heard directly from me in the joint session.
Drop ALL expectations. Don't expect or hope for anything to come out of IC because it won't. One thing you have to understand about IC is they are not trying to fix your M or "open her eyes" to what she is doing. They are mainly there for support and understanding. So she says she's done with the M, they tell her "yes it sounds like it's for the best if you leave then." In short they will tell her exactly what she wants to hear.
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At that point I figured all hope was lost and was beginning to accept the inevitable. Then I started seeing a glimmer of hope in the conversation we had but then yesterday when I found out she's accepting this new job it feels as though that's one more step in the direction that she's planning on moving on and I'm not in her plans for the future.
I find myself saying this in a lot of threads these days but there is a lot of impatience being expressed around here and you all need reminding that this is a MARATHON not a sprint! Not only is it a marathon, but it's a marathon in which for the first 3/4 of the race you see ZERO progress. You say she gives you no hope? I say OF COURSE, that is how EVERY SINGLE SITCH on here is for months and months. Some of them recon and some of them don't, but they all have that in common- early on the WAS offers no hope whatsoever. They speak in absolutes- "things will NEVER get better", "I have ALWAYS been unhappy", "there is NO chance of recon". You simply cannot look at those statements and believe them because that is only indicating how she feels in that moment of time. Later I guarantee she WILL feel differently. I can't guarantee there will be recon, but even if there isn't she will see you in a different light and remember good things about you and the M.
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Just now, I asked her if she wanted to go to daily mass this morning and she said yes and then followed it up with "You are going too right?" I told her that I was planning on it.
Don't ask her to go to things with you, it's pressure. Simply say "I'm going to mass, you're welcome to join if you wish" and then go whether she does or not. The idea is that you are living your life regardless, and she's welcome to join, or not join.
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The next step will be to see if she still feels like she needs to move out.
Nope. That's pressure. Even if you say nothing to her just holding that thought in your head is pressure that she is going to feel and sense. The next step is TO LEAVE HER ALONE. Get out. GAL. Give her time and space. REMOVE ALL PRESSURE.
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I have suspicion she was looking at a place to rent yesterday but can't verify for sure. If she ends up telling me she is going to, I'm not sure how to handle it.
You tell her "I would rather you stay here and work on the M, but I understand that is not what you want and I will support you regardless and respect your wishes." Then leave her alone. It's her decision to make, and it's up to her to do the work if she chooses that.
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I think she's going to try to float the idea of her still coming to our house to eat, put kids to bed and then go back to her place to sleep. This arrangement doesn't seem any different than what we are doing right now. She's upstairs for all of that and then once the kids are in bed she goes downstairs. I'm not sure if I should ask her how moving out is going to change anything if her intention is still to be around the house while the kids are up.
Part of me wants to tell her I'm not comfortable with that arrangement.
Well, you don't even know if she's going to suggest that. So cross that bridge when you get to it. I'd say it's more likely that she'll want to split custody. Whatever she may throw at you, don't give her an answer right away. Tell her you'll think about it and get back with her in X days. Then think about it, discuss it here, get legal advice and THEN give her a response.
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I think she needs to full digest what it will be like living separately. It's her decision and she needs to deal with the consequences.
I think all of us have an expectation that S will "wake them up" and teach them some hard lessons on how hard life is going to be without us. Unfortunately it rarely works out that way. They are actually happy, even elated to be out on their own. Sure it's a lot of work but most of them embrace it. They've been partnered with someone for so long that they've never really had a chance to "prove themselves" and they actually enjoy the opportunity. It's very, very rare that a WAS comes running back shortly after S. They need to get over the initial excitement of trying something new, which can take many months. Then they start getting bored and lonely and talk to guys, or maybe go out, and find out the grass ain't greener after all, and in fact is usually pretty brown, dead and rotten. And they look back and what do they see, THAT is where you come in and what your part is in all of this. Do they see a sad, dejected, demoralized heap on the floor or do they see a strong, confident, good-looking, well dressed, fit man that is living a full life without them? So there are your goals. You can't throw a rope around her and drag her back. But you CAN become the spouse only a fool would leave. And if she leaves anyway, then you will shake your head at what a fool she is.
