Starting over...for the final time (pain DB VI)

[sandi2]

I have been struggling with some vision impairment, so it is taking me longer than usual to catch up on your story. I have to say that as I read a little more last night, I felt sorry for you b/c you were getting advice from so many different sources. All in all, I can already see by your writing/posting how much stronger you've become......and in such a short period. So, I feel encouraged by your personal growth, and mainly b/c of how you speak about yourself. That tells me more than you may realize. You see, a lot of guys measure their DBing accomplishment according to how well the W responds or gets closer to R, etc. I don't. I see his accomplishment according to how he grows as a man. B/c when he "becomes" that MAN......the R will happen .....or he'll seek a better life. If it doesn't happen, it's b/c of the W, not the man. A phrase that is passed around the board is "Become the man only a fool would leave". My issue with that phrase is that a lot of guys (not all) seem to initially misunderstand it, and LBH's usually think it means to become what they "think" their W wants. B/c of the anxiety he feels and the desperation to fix the unhappy state of his W, he tends to put himself in a subservient position in the M and the home. This is not what he needs to do. BTW, so far that I've read, I have not picked up on you waiting hand & foot on your W, catering to her every demand, trying to do all the housework (leaving none for her to do), basically becoming the homemaker. It's okay to split/share chores. So, hopefully, you don't have to overcome that mistake a lot of LBH's make trying to over compensate. Becoming a masculine male who is the leader in the marriage/home, the protector, provider, etc., and who is stronger than the female......is basically who she wants. She wants her emotional needs met, a lot more than having the floors vacuumed. It's a balancing act. The H needs to knows how to take care of her physical and emotional needs. He needs to dominant her (not be domineering, but sexually dominant) and who is not a jerk or chauvinist, but knows how to be loving and supportive without it threatening the loss of his b@lls. I really feel sorry for men, b/c I realize women are very complex creatures! It's difficult (for me, at least) to know how to describe in few words. The reason I talk about this so much is b/c of the numerous amount of LBH's who come to the board, practically emasculated by their WW's and thinking that being a nice guy will be the man only a fool would leave. Nothing could be farther from the truth. NGS is a lot of the problem, but he has to see what we mean by being the man only a fool would leave. Also, realistically speaking, the WW is very foolish, so keep that in mind. You may become perfect, but vision isn't.

I'm past that. Whether she kissed or it was more, she cheated and "she feels horrible for making that ONE mistake."

ONE mistake? I don't understand. I'm reading all this stuff about her in a relationship with another man. It may not be the same one that she initially confessed to kissing, or the one for which she wanted weekend hall passes........but don't write it off as ONE mistake she's made. Neither write it off as her having remorse. When she continues doing what is causing pain & destruction to the MR, you can bet she's not remorseful or she would stop it. This is an example of "believe nothing she says".

I think I must be miscommunicating somewhere, or I am misunderstanding the stitch. And......I read where you said you had no "proof" of their affair! What?! When there is another man in the picture, and she's talking about "them", and your child is talking about "them", and your W is spending time with him.....….you don't have to have a video of them having sex. So, don't get too technical over "proof" when you have a W talking about her OM! His name is coming up in regular conversations.....or they were where I was reading your stitch. If you are "past it", that's fine. Just don't stick your head in the sand and be in denial of the fact your W is carrying on an affair with another man. The OM is not your buddy. He's not a friend of your marriage/family. I don't say this to stir up your pain. I just want to make sure you are seeing clearly. I know you want the pain to stop, but don't fool yourself into thinking they are simply good ole pals that enjoy hanging out together. The mind can play tricks on us, sometimes, and WW's are particular good at manipulation. All in all, it wouldn't be that difficult for her to make you think things are different from the truth. Just like her wanting to decorate your room. Place no stock in that, whatsoever.

In house separated for 6 agonizing months. Then we had a 3 day in/3 day out split and spend Sunday together. That ended last week when I told her I am no longer couch hopping and I am coming home to sleep in my bedroom on my bed. She asked me again today if I am coming home tonight to which I said "Yes I am." I am not couch-hopping any longer.

Good for you!! Just don't expect it to be easy. I've never seen an in-house separation be successful, yet. I have seen one where the man finally had enough of the WW's bs, and he actually became a WAH ......and it yanked his WW's senses back into her head. But it was b/c he found his b@lls, not b/c of in-house separation leading to reconciliation. As long as she gets to live under the same roof with her H and have her affair, too, she has the best of both worlds. She has all the benefits of the M without any responsibility.

And NGS, holy s*it, I am making improvements, but it is going to take longer than 3 months (or years) to fix 30+ years of NGS-related abuse and responses. One day at a time, right?

Absolutely! I think you are doing great. I do believe you share with your WW too much about your personal work on yourself, what you are learning, what is said in your private counseling sessions, etc. The MC is going to try and get you to pursue the M, which may cause some conflict in your head.....considering the NGS counseling, etc. IDK, maybe you have it all figured out. I'm very happy to hear you have a counselor that specializes in NGS. There is, or was, a forum just for men with NGS. I use to read some of the posts, and some of those guys sounded really tough talking amongst themselves. Last I checked, I don't think they even allow women to join the forum anymore (they used to have one little section for them, but no longer). And the posts were not open to the public as they once were. You have to be a member to view them. Anyway, last I read a few of those posts, I could see how a man could swing from being too much NGS to becoming a total jerk. So, try to stay balanced. ((hugs))

I don't know. The only words I have told her was that "I am working on being a better man and a better father". She was the one who said I was becoming a better version of myself I never uttered those words once. I will be more conscientious of what I say around her. I do suspect that she may be loosely following this but I have no proof.

Well, you told her not to check your bookmarks on the computer, so that's like saying "sic'em" to a dog. She's going to look! You have to protect your board activity, and closing your account doesn't prevent her from seeing what's been posted. It's a public forum. You could go under a new user name, if you want. Of course, you probably would get some repeated advice, if people like me couldn't figure out who you were (lol). It's just a thought, if you are concerned about her reading it. I feel like she's familiar with some of the "language" used around here. It was a dead give away in that statement she made about you "becoming the best version of yourself". So, what's done is done. I, for one, don't think it's a good idea for the spouse to see inside your tool box or know your game plan, but that's for you to decide about changing your user name. You'd still need to erase the computer history every time.

High emotional state sounds like a female. Women get in high emotional state b/c we are emotional creatures, sometimes called the weaker sex b/c of our capacity for high emotional state of mind. On the other hand, we women need our men to remain calm, in command, in charge, and strong enough to handle our high emotional state.

Got it. I have told her that I need a few days to calm down.

A strong, calm, masculine sounding respond would be something like, "I need time to think about things". In other words, you don't draw attention to your emotions, anxiety, nervousness, etc. Of course, you feel those emotions, and that's okay...…..I'm only suggesting something that will help you in giving a response that reflects "strength" to a woman. It's fine for her to know you need time to think......but she doesn't need to know you feel as though you are falling apart. See what I mean?

On that note, after W and I talked, she told me that she feeds off my emotions and that I need to "question where I am getting my advice from." If I had not found this board, I would have not addressed my issues that need remedied.

Ah! Do you know what that means? She feels she will lose control, b/c she knows too much about the advice you are receiving. So, no more sharing with her about your sessions, and cover your tracks as best you can on the computer. You see, your work is more effective when your spouse doesn't know what you are being advised to do about yourself, her, the stitch, etc. This is not like having a car repaired, where you sit and discuss what the mechanic suggested. Sorry, if that doesn't make sense, but it is the complexity of how it works in situations with a wayward spouse. I wish I could explain better.

You have a come a long way!