A couple of things really jumped out when I first read your post, and I have a few thoughts that may or may not be helpful.
Originally Posted by JujuB
Im getting older and i have limited time. If i was 45 i probably would have just healed a bit more.
Sure, I agree with you...time and maybe age are important. But also, equally important (maybe even more so) is what you do with that time.
A person could be 5 or 10 years into D, but not much further forward in terms of the journey, or process of self discovery. They could be pretty much at the same point that they were all those years previously. How have they used their time? To me it seems a bit like they've been treading water.
Remember the whole 'time is a gift' phrase that I think we all read when we first came here?
Why not use that time for your own benefit? To enrich yourself and your life? Do the things that spark your interest and that you want to explore and do?
Sure, the hard thing is finding those things. Sometimes, I have to admit, that I feel a bit blank when I try and think of what I'd like to do. It's an effort trying to think. But the advantage I have (and you have too) is that it's not just you that is thinking about what you might or might not want to try out, but your partner as well. And he might think of things that you'd never even considered.
Originally Posted by JujuB
I dont really know why i hold back. I still feel trauma from ex maybe? I dont want to be duped again maybe. I dont trust my choices. I never once saw what my ex was, yet the signs were there. Problem was i didnt know the signs cause they were new to me. What if NG just has something new that indont k ownthe signs for or what to even look for.
Yes, I think you're totally right about all these things. And by heavens, I can relate to what you're saying about not having been aware because you didn't even know the signs.
I'd throw in something else to think about as well: perhaps you don't really believe and/or trust yourself. Believe and trust that you can handle what unfolds from what is happening now. And what is happening is ultimately your choice.
And again, that difficult thing about finding that belief and trust.
In one sense it's easy being with an addict (and I'd also throw being with very controlling types into this as well). Their vision of themselves and the world - their ego - takes up *all* of the space in the relationship and in you as well. There's not much space left for you in any sense of the word. No space for you to have your own version of things, events or people, no space for you to grow. And I think you get pushed into smaller and smaller spaces, until you're just squashed in round the edges of everything, around them. They've taken up all the space.
It's not a sudden thing, it's a process that happens very gradually and almost imperceptibly. It happens on a practical level, as you take on more and more sorting out what they should be doing as an adult because they're just not doing it. And then you also end up sorting out the fallout from their lives too - the inevitable result of their addiction.
That takes up time and energy. It takes up your time and energy. That's your time and energy that you could have been putting into your own growth and development. I'm not talking about what is right or wrong, I'm just saying how one kind of dynamic evolves and the result of it and the cost of it too.
So when that person is no longer there, taking up all that time and space in your life, who are you left with? Speaking for myself, I can sense the empty spaces in myself, the blankness. And I have to admit, it does make me panic at times. Who am I? What am I about? How can I like myself when I don't even really know what I'm about? How do I even know if the choices I'm making are right for me when I don't know what I'm really about?
The empty spaces and blankness make me want to fill them with something, anything, because they are uncomfortable as heck. And, looking back, I probably have done that (mainly on the work front, and that relationship I had, very early on, with the heavy drinker).
But that's OK, that's led me to where I am now, and that's a good thing because I'm now learning to be alright with the not knowing. Not knowing gives me the opportunity of trying lots of things that I might not otherwise have come across and tried. Some of those things might be really small and tiny things, some bigger. Some I'm doing because I've thought of them, and some because they're something that my partner would like to try. Some I do on my own, some he does on his own, some we do together, but I try and share as much as possible - thoughts, feelings, impressions - with him. He's very much by my side throughout, as a companion, holding my hand and me holding his, whether we're doing things independently or together.
And these things give me more chances of discovering myself as well as each other. But it's a slow process and sometimes difficult. I'm conscious of sometimes looking backwards, of being afraid, not being sure if I can somehow 'make it' (whatever that means). I'm trying to learn to be alright with this slow, non linear, process of discovering what I'm about, and to be compassionate and non judgemental about it. I try and remind myself that there are no right and wrong answers, no absolutes. That way of thinking and being belongs in my past, and with my XH and his ego taking up all the space in our M.
I try to remind myself that there's no time limit on it, that it's hopefully going to carry on for the rest of my life. And as I'm doing all these things, gaining confidence in myself, I'm also staring to look further into the future and make some plans for the future.
So the space and blankness I sometimes feel isn't an empty space, a dead space, it's a quiet, vibrant, exciting space that's full of life and possibility. And I've actually become very protective of it. I don't think that kind of space could ever have existed in my M because there was always way too much drama and upheaval. And the focus was always on that. There wasn't a chance in hell for me to even notice my little, quiet vibrant space, let alone to start to look after it.
Anyway, I don't know if any of this makes any sense, or is of any help.
