I am sorry if my response disappoints you. I really do not want it to. But I am not expecting to take my H back. I do believe, and always have, that he will try again to come back, but I believe that I am done, that the damage is too great. For me, it is not really about the time, it is more about the boundaries he crossed and the abandonment of my children. My son in particular.
If you can, see if you can google divorcebusting and Happy_Again. There is a kink in the search from some purged threads and it might send your computer spinning if you try to look from the search bar. He was a real deal MLCer who posted in the midst of his rage against his wife. Only some of his stuff has been preserved. He also had one other screen name but I don't think there is anything there that is as helpful.
He said things that I heard directly from my H's mouth and he expressed thoughts that I'm certain my H has had. But you know what? His wife stopped responding to his nastiness and his freak outs. He actually described the process, in real time, of trying to make her mad to prove that she was still the same miserable, awful wife he thought she was. He described himself that as she did not respond, that the anger that he felt for her began to subside. When that anger began to subside, you could see how much he missed her, and his family and the life he knew.
He went back to her and I think they made it work. But his are the most real and raw expressions from an MLCer I have seen anywhere. I just read them again to remind myself.
I think I've told you this before, but I think 3-4 years from BD or move-out for attempted returns (if they are made at all) is not unusual. Only you can decide how much time is too much. Only you can decide how much distance is too great.
What I will say is that yes, he has been out and gone for 2 years, but he has not done much that I can see to work on himself. I still see the OW, the substance abuse (I assume) and the disordered and mean way he treats me. With this behavior, it wouldn't matter if it was 10 years or 10 minutes. I deserve better than that and will never walk on eggshells for anyone ever again.
The truth is that I am also not done working on me. I haven't addressed the two biggest issues that I believe I need to face. I have improved as a human being in so many ways, but I have more work to do. I am in no hurry for anything. It is not time that concerns me. It is growth and change and rebirth.
