Hello Pain, I saw your request for me to look at your stitch and give my thoughts. I am in the process of reading it now. Before going further, there is something I think needs clarified. I read Vanilla's post about you having a WAW, not a wayward. I admire Vanilla very much and do not wish to post any disagreement with her advice. She was a WAW, herself. We are usually in agreement about WW's. So, I thought perhaps one of us misunderstood your first post where you told of your W making attractive changes in herself and later she admits to kissing a guy. She goes on to say she wants to have "hall-pass" on weekends. My question is, did you separate before she started taking these hall-passes, or after she announced she wanted it? She wanted hall passes in order for her to date, correct? I just want to be clear.
IMHO, waywardness begins in the heart. It is formed from unresolved resentment, disrespect, and finally....rebellion. Other negative issues are often included, but these three make up the main foundation. What I am saying is that waywardness is more than just overt behavior that is inappropriate for a spouse. It starts with her having these resentments she can't get past and it eventually affects her respect for her H as a man. When the respect is damaged, it kills her desire for him. A sexually starved MR is often the first sign her desire for him is waning. She may continue to live with him, raise a family, etc. However, she carries these feelings in her heart. She may show him some levels of disrespect by the way she talks to him, or puts him down as a man, etc. She may never physically cheat on him. IMHO, the physical cheating is not the only defining behavior of waywardness......but many H's don't get too concerned until they know another man has entered the picture. Many WW's have emotional affairs. Anyway, I explain more in my threads, "Help for the LBH with a WW".
I think, perhaps, Vanilla read your post to mean that the separation took place well before your W found a boyfriend and started dating. Like, when the couple has been apart for a while and then she finally dates someone...….which is different, (in my book), than wanting to separate in order to date other guys. Sometimes, they keep the OM hidden until S, and then suddenly he shows up after separation. Anyway, I read it to mean she was maybe showing some signs of waywardness, admitted to kissing a guy and followed up with bomb drop of wanting hall passes......and then the separation followed. Maybe you can help clear it for us. In the meantime, I will finish reading your threads and get back soon.
Thank you so much sandi. I await your insight to this. To answer your question: W brought up the hall-pass weekends two months before BD (kiss). She started dating OM one month after BD whist we were still in the trial separation phase. And when she brought up hall-passes she made it seem like it would benefit both of us, to which I have disagreed with constantly.
When her R with OM began she was very secretive other than the fact she told me that she is "casually seeing him" or "you're obsessing" (Gaslighting). She moved quickly, asking me if it was ok for D4 to meet him. I had little balls back then so I nice-guyed and said "Sure, if it's casual." Wrong.
When I snooped her phone records and confronted her, she made me feel like the bad guy and again she said that "we are separated".
After that, she still kept her phone to her self but would leave it in conspicuous places, I would assume to test me. I never was tempted. I just knew it was asking for trouble.
When I joined DB forum, I told myself that I was detaching, GAL, all that stuff, but still working on R. When Steve told me that more often that not, R does not happen, I refused to accept and still applied the DB techniques not only for myself, but to show her that I can improve every aspect about myself. And as you read through my story, especially in parts 4 and 5, that I was seeing and feeling tangible change. At the urging of my DB coach, I decided to make some small moves, most which were met with positivity. To which I felt "Hey, these are good signs!". But the folks here saw this and warned me to slow down and that it did not mean anything, good or bad. But I kept up my hope until D4 told me about their affection last weekend and me finding the explicit emails. I called her again and asked to not display PDA in front of D4. Her initial reply was "I thought I was doing that but I will do a better job." Last night, when I told her that I do not want D4 to see OM anymore, she was angry and told me that she needs to see what a "healthy, affectionate relationship" should look like. I just told her I disagreed and that as she grows older she will ask questions about why W made the choices she is making. She returned my remark with a look of disgust and asked "How dare you!" and again repeated the sentiment of seeing happy, healthy relationship behavior.
As we continued to talk, W said that I was "a better version of myself." I thanked her and told I have been working hard on that. I, in return, told W that she is not the same W I fell in love with. I said I was happy about the changes she made, but I expressed to her that she was a different person entirely and that I do not know nor trust this person. I went further when I told her that I do not trust her when it came to D4's visitation. She asked me angrily and to make sure I am not saying it out of anger and to think about what I said and then tell her. I repeated it again. I do not trust her. I said I was not angry. I told her I truly feel that she would take D4 away from me. And she broke down sobbing and told me that she would never ever do that. She said I'm a great father who D4 adores and, heh, tells OM about how great her daddy is.
We proceeded to talk about D. Though she brought it up and asked me to file. I told her that I am in a high emotional state right now and will not be making any decisions at this moment. When/if that time comes, it will come from a logical view.
Anyway, I read it to mean she was maybe showing some signs of waywardness, admitted to kissing a guy and followed up with 