Not sure how to proceed or just move on?

[Accuray]

Hello imlost8,

You're definitely seeing the benefits of "no contact" and going dark as you've taken pressure off your W and allowed her to process her feelings and be willing to come around again -- that's great! That's a successful step in DB.

After the "date" I last shared, things dropped off very quickly. I felt her retreating so I did the same and there wasn't much contact at all.

This is *very* common, a WAS will have a wistful moment, or a sad day, and run back to the LBS for comfort. Then, the feelings they were originally trying to get away from will eventually come back up and they run again. These are called "touch and go" events and there will often be several of them. Your job during these events is to be consistent with your emotions, neither excited that they are happening, nor sad that they have passed. My exW did this several times, we'd go to dinner with friends and she'd hold my hand in the car and be very touchy, and for the next week wouldn't make any eye contact, its a normal pattern.

We did get into a big fight about 3 weeks ago, and she told me that she never wants to hear from me or see me ever again.

What was that about? What happened? Tell us more about that incident. Your W referenced on your date that the fighting was the thing she was afraid of returning to, so that's the number one thing you have to 180 is not getting pulled into fights. Tell us more about your historic fighting dynamic. How do they start, how do they escalate, how long do they last and how do they end? (That's four questions for you to answer)

Individual fights in the past aren't that important, but the pattern is crucial. Is there a consistent theme that would trigger these fights? Figuring out how to break this cycle is the key to getting to have a new and different relationship with her.

wants to R but that she feels as though it's too late since she can tell that I've moved on.

Be careful, when you're hungry you want to eat, and when you're really hungry you really want to eat, but after that feeling passes you don't think about food at all. What's going on in her life right now that's making her feel this way? Is she running away from something else, or is she earnestly running to you?

It sounds like she's feeling bad about herself and sees getting back into the relationship as a possible cure for that. If she feels bad about herself, your relationship isn't going to fix that, and when she's back with you and still feeling bad, she's going to leave again.

Really I think that both of you have individual work to do before you should give it another go -- are you in weekly individual therapy? Is she? If I were you, I would suggest that be the next move for both of you. I would tell her you haven't moved on, but you're not interested in moving back either. If you're going to go forward together, things are going to need to be different, and you both need help to get into a position to make things better. I'd suggest you both pursue IC with separate therapists and agree to some schedule to see each other to check in.

At this crucial point I also really suggest doing a telephone session with a DB coach on this site. Its the best money you'll ever spend. They can have a much more detailed dialog with you and give you much better and specific advice.

Acc