It's definitely a tough day when the realization that what was once a beautiful relationship is now irrevocably done and over with. For a long time in our sitches we delude ourselves, saying that we accept that the old relationship is over, but somewhere deep in our hearts it isn't true. We still cling to the old MR and think that if we just have the right opportunity to say the right thing it will all turn around. Then there comes a moment when it hits us like a ton of bricks that this new reality is actually real, that R is not a likely option and that most likely we will head down the path to D. That there is no turning back only an uncertain future. For me the pain was nearly as great as BD and it sent me into a depression that I struggled to come out of. So I understand what you are feeling right now.
That said, this is also the make it or break it moment. This is when you decide if all the changes you are making are really for you or if they were just made in hopes of R. This is when you get to decide if you are going to keep working on yourself to become AMOAFWL or if you are going to slide back into old patterns, or are going to numb yourself (with work, sex, drink, internet, etc...) It is often in these lowest moments that we can most clearly discover what our values truly are. Life has knocked us on our a#sses, but it is still our choice how to respond to that.
What do you value? What kind of man do you want to be in the future? That needs to be your focus.
Thank you. The changes I am making will be worked to make it permanent. I do not drink anymore. I work to enjoy it but not obsess over it. I have phone addition problems, but that has been constant, and sex...I've been celibate for 10 months. If there is an opportunity for some release, I will go for it (safely).
Right now, I just want to get back on my own two feet and get through today. Then tomorrow, then the next day. That's it. That's all I care about achieving right now. I just want to make it to Friday.
