Shake hands, we shall never be friends . . .

[Grace21]

I do love him. I usually don't admit that. But I do. I married him for life even if he didn't do the same. I want him to be happy. That is new for me. I want him to work his way through his stuff. But for him and for my kids, and not for me. I don't think he will find happiness with the present OW but if he does, I am ok with that.

I feel exactly the same. My commitment was for life when we married, and I meant it. H has been unfaithful for so many years, both physically and emotionally, I question sometimes why I hang on. Hopes that he will have an epiphany and change his ways? The day he left 3 weeks ago, I hugged him and said "I hope you find what you're looking for". I meant it. Whether that be with or without me, only the future has that answer. One thing I realized, is that people who can't stand themselves fill the void with quick feel good things (in the case of H, other women, porn, and internet philandering), but these are all things that causes them to feel even worse about themselves, and the cycle continues.
As our MC said, you can't divorce yourself.

I don't want to be his friend. I was his friend for more than 25 years. That he did take away. I would like to be friendly with him, for the sake of my kids, but I don't think he is ready for that. I have no expectations of him. Not in a good way or a bad. I have finally quelled the mind movies. Now, when they come, I politely ask them to leave. I understand why he feels the need to hurt me from time to time and I no longer take it personally. I know that I haven't done anything to warrant it, so I know it is part of his stuff.

H told me several months before I asked him to move out that he hopes no matter what happens, he sees no reason we can't remain friends that he really cares for me and wants to take are of me. Uh, NO. Emotional abandonment, PA, and EA are not taking care of me. I will remain friendly, and when we are together with the kids for holidays, etc, upbeat, but he's not capable of being anyone's friend I don't think right now, let alone me. He has nothing to give. He's too damaged.

But I also know that I will be there for him. If he's ever brave enough to ask for my help. I will help him.

Word.