Why Keep Hope

[sandi2]

It was a bunch of things that I neglected. Things that attracted my W to me. Little and big surprises, date nights, day trips, etc. When I met my W, I had things that I did. I liked to fish, hunt, camp, hang out with friends, go on vacations with friends (especially to sporting events). I volunteered a lot (especially for the Special Olympics). By the end of our marriage, I had become a hermit. I started staying home mostly because I felt my W was overburdened because she was a work from home mom

I believe a lot of marriages fail b/c one or both partners stop being the person they were when their spouse fell in love with them. By that, I mean they don't necessarily grow from that point......they just become someone unattractive (and I don't mean just physically). They stop doing the things that fed romance into the relationship. A MR is a living thing, and if it's not nourished, it dies.

When the MR is in trouble, one of the first things many men think is that their W wants help around the house. I'm not saying it wouldn't make a difference, but when a woman is happy in their relationship.....she won't as unhappy about some of those burdens. In other words, if you killed her attraction.....no amount of helping out with chores is going to bring that back. Make sense? Women want to feel loved and romanced. They don't want to be stuck with a dead stump for a H.

Originally Posted by sandi2

I don't think you have to show your W what a great father you are......since the kids were already the center of your time and attention.

The words that trip me in your quote are, "to be so attractive". Can you be motived to be an attractive individual, apart from fatherhood? Do you understand what I mean? You will always be a father, but you need to find your identity as a man, too.

This is where I'm drowning. Right after BD, I saw my W for one weekend. I did everything wrong. Pleading, doing little things for her, etc. She had no appreciation for this. Now, I understand why. Since late August, I have had a grand total of 5 minutes face-to-face time with my W--just when we meet at the airport when I go visit my girls. I'm unable to validate. I'm unable to show a more attractive side of me. I'm exercising, going out more, volunteering again, getting involved in my faith more. These are things that I'm doing for myself. These are things that might make me more attractive to my W, but she has no way of knowing about these things--except for the occasional post on social media. I feel like I can't even show a more attractive side of me until we live nearby again, and that will be long after the divorce is finalized. I still want to make these changes for me, but I'm at a loss to "show" my W these changes.

You aren't ready to show her changes yet. How do I know? B/c it hasn't sunk into your brain that this is a process that takes personal growth. I promise you if she came back tonight, you would mess up and she'd be gone again before the weekend. Why? B/c you just want to "show her". This is the time to "become". This is your time and space to learn and grow and change yourself into a better man. That's why we tell you to read this and that......so you can store up the knowledge, and grow. These guys that get eager to show the W how they've changed, usually haven't made changes that will stick. And, if the changes aren't going to stick, then those guys will be back on the board later.

Some things, like validation, can be practiced on other people. If you aren't a natural at validating, then it's going to sound really fake to your W. However, you can use this time to practice with your friends, relatives, co-workers, etc. You can also polish your personality, manners, charm, etc. And don't worry, she knows a lot more about you than you think!

Let me tell you a little secret about girls. They can usually spot the "show-off" very easily, and they aren't too impressed with him. I know you don't mean "to show her" in this context, but you'll still come across as trying too hard......which is ALWAYS obvious to a woman. Do you know when your changes will pay off? When you aren't trying to convince her you are worthy of her.

I think this is the question. I'm slowly getting my mojo back, but there's no chance to show her this. I'm pretty much going with little contact--unless she asks me a direct question. It keeps me sane, but I'm not sure it's the right thing to do in my sitch.

This is how I know you aren't really hearing or trusting in what we are saying. No offense, but you've got to change this mindset of showing her something you've read or changed, b/c that's not what will carry you through this crisis. The majority of newcomer H's think this way when they first arrive, and have to be whacked a few times before their head starts to clear where they can think outside of the box. And, I'll tell you something else about these guys who are busting a gut to show their big changes...….when the WW tells them she's noticed but still doesn't want to reconcile, they are devastated b/c they were so focused on how to get her attention on the improvements that they missed actually "becoming" that man. If you actually become the man.....then you will have what you need to have a good life with, or without, her. In other words, your changes will do the most good when they run deep and are made for you. Am I making sense, or making you crazy? I realize you are looking for some type of connection, b/c you think she won't know or see...…..but I'm telling you if you do this right.....she'll know. There is a time for every thing, and your moment will come when the time is right. In the meantime, get your focus off her seeing you.

You say you are slowly getting your mojo back. That's great. Now, let's talk about b@lls. If you have a WW, she knows how to chew up your b@lls and spit them back in your face. So...…...I suggest you work on growing really big ones, before you attempt much interaction with her. Know what I mean? Nothing and nobody will test you, like a WW can test you.

((hugs))