I think it is okay for us to hijack kech's thread because she is not currently using it :-) We are simply keeping her thread alive and active until she returns.
Pain, please don't kick yourself too much. I was queen of that. I was so, so hard on myself. And you know how that served me? It didn't. I felt worse about myself and it only made the sitch harder because of my lowered state. Guilt is not a productive emotion! It keeps us stuck. You have to accept that you are human and we all make mistakes.
It sounds corny, but you gotta love yourself! Forgive yourself and simply wake up each morning and start over. As you learn to love yourself and forgive yourself, you will build confidence and then it actually gets easier to DB. You said what you were doing was working, but really, we cannot measure results based on other peoples' reactions or external factors. The results, and the goals, are that YOU feel better and stronger. That just takes time, my friend. That is why GAL is so important. Do 10 nice things for yourself every day, little and big. Write them down. Check them off. Feel good about yourself at the end of the day! Wake up, rinse, repeat.
Do I have a history of depression? Sigh. Yes. And a long family history too. My mother, my grandmother have battled with it. My own adult daughter was diagnosed bipolar in HS. You know when my depression started? When I was 5 years old and my own parents got divorced. I went to an affluent school and I didn't know any other kid that had parents that were D. I felt ashamed, even as a young child. I was so terribly lonely. I would cry alone in my room and I would cry at school. I don't recall my parents even knowing. Middle school was awful. HS was hard too. I have done some therapy in adulthood that included going back and being a mom to my younger, depressed, self because my parents were not there for me like I needed. I am not a perfect parent, but I have been able to give my kids more support and then my parents gave me. I think my parents D, and inability to cope with it, prevented them from being able to see my depression and support me.
My youngest D is 8 and whenever she hears my H and I argue she cries and says "please don't get divorced." The look of worry on her face just about kills me. My oldest D is 20 and has no recollection of me being with her dad. I left him when she was a baby (he was bipolar too). She now is so glad I didn't stay with him and cannot imagine a life with us together or not having my H (her step dad) and her 2 sisters. So I do not suggest staying in a M for the kids is best.
That was off topic. People are complicated. We all have these histories and painful things in life. It's just so hard. All we can do is the best we can. Love more. Forgive often. Keep moving forward. I need those reminders more than anyone I think.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
