Thank you, Maika. You have always been supportive of me. I appreciate it. You are right, we cannot work from an empty tank. I am pretty good at keeping busy, nurturing my other relationships, enjoying my alone time, and have gotten better at self care. It's hard to admit, but I still feel this void or emptiness in regards to my M. So what I am suggesting is that my tank is not empty, and I don't feel like I am unhappy, but when it comes to my M, something is missing for me.

It is easier for me to give advice to others than to take it myself. I guess that is true for all of us. I find myself focusing on things that were wrong in the M before all of this happened. These things did not bother me before as much as they do now. I guess that is how rewriting history works ... I get it now.

I still miss the way I felt about him before this mess. I really don't see myself ever feeling that way again. Sometimes I wonder if I am settling for less. Other times I feel down on myself because I think I should be doing more. Most days though, I don't give it a lot of thought and I simply carry on. Life is beautiful. I have a lot.

He told me that he knows when I look at him, I am disappointed in him. He can feel it. I think after all these years he still feels that he is waiting for me to come around more. That is sad, right? That I am the cause of his unhappiness, or so he feels that way. But that doesn't motivate me to change. He reminds me of all the things I have done and said that have hurt him since he has been back, and he is not wrong. He has remained here and loyal. I know that.

I am open to advice and 2*4s. Maybe you all see something that I don't.

I recall those days after BD so vividly when I felt so afraid and dark and hopeless. All I wanted was my H and my life back. I have that now. But I am telling you, it is not what it was. I have never in these last several years felt as strongly about him as I did the first many years of our M. I guess I still like the idea of feeling that way about someone. I can't just let that go. I also don't have it in me to "make" it happen.

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela