I try and update monthly, but sometimes it's hard to know what to post. Things carry on and life is busy as usual. I find myself wanting to feel detached from the situation in general. There is a distance between us and I can't seem to find motivation to move in one direction or another. I don't want to get D, or break up my M or family, not at all. I also feel guarded and am not doing what is needed to have a close relationship with him. I am not entirely sure why. I am accepting where I am at and can't force it.
My BFF that I spoke of before is doing well. She ended her long term R last spring and has been dating. It took her almost two years to end it because he just could not let go of her and she felt guilty. And a bit torn. So now she has moved on and has been dating. She is seeing someone now that she really likes, and is maybe infatuated with. I am thrilled for her and it is fun to hear her stories. She is realizing that she has never felt this sort of connection with anyone and she is overjoyed. Even if things don't work out with this guy, she is getting a flavor of how romantic and exciting it can be. She never had this with her Xs. I have known her since childhood and would have to agree.
This has brought up some feelings for me because I felt this way about my H in the beginning. Those feelings lasted a long time. Even for 10-15 years, and going through hardships, I still felt very much in love with him and we had a strong connection. I know it will never be the same as it was then, but I find myself wondering what it will be and if THAT will be enough. I just don't know yet. I don't have the motivation right now to work on things or create closeness. He thinks I am unhappy and says that he is. I tend to focus on kids, work, yoga and my friendships. Perhaps I should be doing more and working on my M - and my guess is you all think that too - I just do not feel it inside of me right now.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
