now i know i should be/could be, but i'm not. sad/disappointed/amazed, yep all those. living my life/doing ok/working out/not thinking about her, yep all those too. i think the biggest single reason why i've been able to transition like i have is that she has given me absolutely not one single, teeny iota of any communication/hope/etc. perhaps the most self empowering, realization of my progress is that i simply don't care what happens to her anymore. when i was talking with my ic last week and we got into "i don't like this", "i don't like that" about what W has decided, the ic was quick to remind me that i do very much love her. bottom line is "what can i do?" and the answer is nothing. for sure i spent months crying/praying over her leaving. presently the only thing that gets me now is leaving my D. i shed no tears over W. i've definitely not run from my emotions steve. as much as i would actually like to do so, it's inherent in who i am as a person that if/when the emotions come, they get let out.
as for definitive, i've read about keeping the road home smooth. well if i were angry i would be busy destroying said road with text/calls/emails. instead rather i'm just removing the road. possibly it has already occurred that there has been an OM since myself. if that's the case then in the chronology of her heart i can never be paramount there again. to me rightly or wrongly, D has always meant finality/the end. i should have corrected that to be if there was an OM after me. as i've said before i pray God she never comes back because if she were to do so, the conflict in me between the love i have for her and our family vs my being superceded by OM in her heart...forgiveness is something that is inherent in being a Christian. i know i must give that to her, but forgiving her without admitting her back into my life is quite something different than forgiving her back into my heart. perhaps God will make that my fate one day, but i don't see that coming to fruition and i think i'd fear the pain of that far greater than the BD/D of the present.
