Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 4

[Davide]

Hey folks.

Long time no write. I just realized that it has been the better part of three weeks since I updated my sitch. There isn't all that much to report, but I figured it might be helpful for newcomers to see what it can look like 6 months in. I haven't had any communication with the W in the past week or two, and just a couple of emails before that. The weather has finally turned cold here (35 degrees this morning) and I imagine that she is going to feel the need to get a car which will necessitate a conversation. We had agreed on a budget for that earlier at the beginning of the summer but she decided to try and go without for the time being. Generally I am not bothered too often by thoughts of her, nothing like in the first few months post BD. When I do think of the MR it is more with resentment than with longing.

I have held off on the dating thus far, though I am still passively looking around on some OLD sites. I feel like that is a step that I want to take at some point, but I want to be deliberate about it. I am also finishing up the process of signing up for a head-hunting agency for teaching jobs abroad. It's another step that I want to take in order to be more proactive about my future.

My GAL is much the same as it has been ever since BD -- lots of exercise, commuting by bike, yoga, rock climbing, walking with my dog. I have even learned to tend to the herb/vegetable garden and I have been exploring more and more with my cooking as well. Between work and GAL I feel like I have a busy life, full of activities that I value and people that I want to be around. I'm a big basketball fan and am enjoying the start of a new season as well. I'm also calmer, more centered, more content with what I have, and able to live in the moment to a greater extent than before.

The weekends are the time that I most feel the absence of being in a relationship. One of the signs that my W was checking out on the relationship even prior to BD was that she started bailing on our Saturday night dinner dates to spend more time with her friends. At the time I had lots of unspoken expectations and it ended up deeply wounding me. So, going out to eat by myself on weekends is still harder than it should be for me because of the memories it triggers. That said, this weekend was fun as I went up to the state capital a few hours away to see an art exhibit with some friends. We explored the city for a bit, ate some ramen and even went to a bug festival where we tried eating some insect delicacies. Yesterday I mowed the lawn, cleaned up the house, and then went to the gym for the afternoon. A couple of climbers there invited me out to see a climbing documentary that just came out so I joined them for that. The only downside was that I thought my W was coming by in the afternoon (we had agreed on that) to walk the dog, and she never showed.

I'm also reading "The Subtle Art of not Giving a F$#k" which I have found surprisingly helpful as well as being entertaining. I was struck last night by the section in which the author talks about taking complete responsibility for our lives and all the attendant circumstances, even if we aren't to blame for them. I definitely have (hopefully had!) a tendency to slip into a victim mindset in which I ceded control and abdicated responsibility far too often. He acknowledges that we often can't control what happens to us but we always control our reactions, our thoughts, our perspective on them. It's nothing that I haven't heard/read before but the way the message was written really resonated with me. It's okay to blame my W for walking away but I am still responsible for my own positivity and thoughts and emotions regardless of what she did.

This weekend I am flying out of town to visit family for a wedding and I will also have the chance to see good old friends from my hometown. It should be a nice break from the routine. In a couple of weeks I will be celebrating my first birthday alone in 9 years. My W was never one to overly celebrate birthdays, normally we just went out to dinner together, which was fine by me. But this year I would like to use it as an excuse to invite friends over to my house which has been virtually empty for the past 3 months, maybe do a bonfire or a barbecue. Hopefully, it doesn't become an emotional trigger.

So, if there are any newbies reading this, things do improve. I still have my down moments, and even some down days, but they are fewer and further in between. I'm certainly not out of this process, or even completely detached, not by a long shot, but I am making slow and steady progress and riding out the waves of highs and lows. No longer are waves of emotion crashing down on me to the point I can no longer function. They are still there just muted, not as violent.

Best of luck to all. And I would love to hear any feedback.