With love

[focus22]

Previous Thread:

New Beginnings.

I wasn't sure what I should call my new thread. I wanted something gentle and hopeful, so it's 'with love'.

I know I'm posting a lot at the moment. I feel like I'm able to stand further and further back now, and understanding a lot, much more than previously.

I'm starting to really feel, in the pit of my stomach, that I'm still quite affected by total roller coaster I've been on the past few years and the amount of adrenaline I've had coursing through my system as well. I mean, I kind of understood it intellectually, but I'm really feeling it now, in my being.

So I would like to try and come down from that, at least a little.

At the moment, I'm still jumping the gun a bit with situations (work, friends, colleagues). In my head at least, and not actually in my actions. But I'd like not to be doing that in my head either. It's not good for me.

I've come to understand what companionship feels like, and it's such a beautiful thing. I now know that it was something that was missing from my M. I don't think my XH was capable of it, as he was really too selfish, too wrapped up in himself and his ego to give himself to someone else. I think he gave scraps of himself, the parts he wanted to give away, but not his being, and certainly not wholeheartedly and generously.

It's weird. I feel sad that I never experienced it in all those years I was M, but so incredibly happy and thankful that I am feeling it now. Strange how life is.