13 years and two small children

[Hurt213]

First and foremost I do apologize for any sentences that makes no sense, as English is not my maternal language.

3 months ago, I was smacked in the face, when my lover, mother of my children, and partner in life decided sit me down in the couch and tell me, that she no longer wanted to be with me, and that it was over.

Background:

We have had a great run being together from age 17-30. We have experienced life together, but also apart as our educations and job gave us time apart. Unfortunately, I became sick 6 years ago, and I was not able to provide her with the love, affection and caring that she needed. I developed a depression, that kept me in a state of wanting to be alone and being "grumpy?" all the time. This came in periods, and she stood by me even though it was difficult. There were really great periods in between though, we actually talked in march 2017 about getting married in 2020. We have a 5 year old and a 1 1/2 year old and we bought a house 3 years ago. She said on occasion, however rarely, that she needed more affection and for me to share how I felt about her. I wasn't good enough to honor those demands clearly. However I did and do love her more than the moon and stars combined.

Back to the story:

I asked her on that night, if she had met someone else, because then I would not stand in her way, even though it killed me to see her destroy our family life - she said there weren't anyone else, but that she had felt unhappy for a long time, and that her feelings had gone.

I told her, that we had to at least try and fight for our sake and for the sake our kids. She agreed to go to a marriage therapist, and we did, 4 times. She however did not open up and talk about herself, but merely stated she was there for me to get on with my life in a good way. We had couples and individual sessions. Then on a thursday before we had our next session lined up, she went to work one night and said she would be late - i didn't think much of it, grabbed my pc and went online to do some work. She had forgotten to sign out of a social media - and there was the evidence. She had been engaging in sexual activities with a coworker for the entire time we had been going to a MC. I was heartbroken. I texted her and told her that I had found out, and I wanted her to come home so we could talk about it as adults. The answer was that she thought it was a bad idea and she was sorry i found out that way - I could call the therapist if I needed someone to talk to. In the evidence, there was a clear plan on how she was supposed to inform me about her new relationship at the next MC session, and they had been spending some time brewing that together.

I felt absolutely mortified - because for the 3 weeks we had been going to sessions, I worked my heart out trying to save the bits and pieces of my relationship, and did everything in my power to keep her stressfree, so she could work with herself - all while, this was going on behind me back. She later confided in me, that she and him had been starting this affair out emotionally in June 2018, and she ended it with me in august 18.

Then two months passed, where I was trying to figure out wether to stay or not because she kept giving me mixed signals. She would tell me we were over, and should sell the house and clear custody, and the next evening she would be crying her heart out telling me how much she missed me.

Then 1 week ago, I told her, that I could not keep this up anymore, and even though the kids are small, they are taking notice of the change in the way we are around each other. So I texted her from work, asking her what she thought was going on. She told me that she had shifted towards me, that she felt like she missed me again and it was really nice and it made her happy - my response was "that makes me happy too". The same night she was going to the OM, and she talked in the afternoon about how she would most likely be upset when she got back home, so i shouldn't stay up and wait for her. I left a note in her car that afternoon, saying that she should consider making a choice now, cause it was not healthy for the OM, me or her to keep this up in the long run.

The day after she wrote me, that she was in love with the OM, that all she told me was untrue, and that she only had feelings for me in a sense of safety and the story we share. I was once again shattered.

We live together while the house is selling, she is trying to be friends with me for the kids sake, and she drives out to the OM to engage in PA with him and sleep at his house, whenever his kids are not there. She recently signed up at a "house rental agency" to get an appartment. I wrote her an email today with an apology, because I told her some ugly things a week ago (the first and only time I lost my cool in this whole process), and I wanted her to know, that I was not that kind of a person. But it had me going because I was so baffled of the fact that she didn't even have it in her for one bit to pull the handbreak and evaluate the situation, fight for her family and kids or anything. She just up and left, and acted like I and "us" never existed.

Her response was: I understand why you became upset and hurt, there are so many feelings involved in this. I just want us to be friends going through this, but I understand if we can't be. Have a great day at work and a good workout tonight.


I don't know what to do anymore. Should I just give in and say goodbye? I feel like she was swept away by this predator when she needed love and affection the most, and he was right there when i couldn't be. Now im well, my medicine is working, and I have gotten my life back. I also started working out, running, seeing people and doing sports. She noticed all of this, and on more than one occasion told me, that she thinks that I look amazing, that all the things that annoyed her are gone but the feelings are gone too. She also said that she hopes i find another girl soon but not someone prettier than her.. She told me multiple times that the changes in me are surreal, but she never spoke to me about her true needs, and therefore i couldn't change before she ended it and opened her mouth. The changes were not hard to do, however I had no clue I HAD to do them because she didn't speak up.

I acknowledge, that a lot of this is my fault, but if there is any chance of salvaging our 13 years and start on a fresh, I would really appreciate the help.

Thanks, and sorry for my poor english.