Is this the end...

[sandi2]

Hi Hero, I'm sorry to read about another H who is suffering from the actions of a WW. If you've read my thread "Help for the LBH who has WW", you'll see that the W has formed a foundation of resentment, disrespect, and rebellion. At the point when she drops the bomb, her selfishness and sense of entitlement is her driving force that leads her to break up the MR. When the H experiences the bomb, he is in shock. He tries to figure out what happened. Then he tries to jump into Super Husband mode and do things that he thinks will turn her back into the MR. However, these two people are on an entirely different time frame from one another. He wants to correct everything he might have done wrong, but she's through with the MR.

I have been reading old texts and emails to help me figure out what I did wrong and where I can do a 180 and something finally clicked.

At this point in time, I don't think there is any 180 action that will "nice" her back into the M. You are torturing yourself by going over these old text/emails. I think you are probably experiencing desperation to fix what's broken, but it doesn't work that way. A wayward W is a different breed from what you might read in some marriage help books. She's lost all respect for her H, and that killed her attraction for him. Do you understand what I'm saying? Until she respects you as a man.....she will not feel desire for you. She doesn't care how much you want to work on the MR and show her how you can change. She is past that point. All those "signs" you listed, and then excused away......is very telling about your MR.

I realize this hurts you to read, and I'm sorry. I'm not saying that all hope is gone forever. I'm just telling you that the feelings you are having about "showing" her your 180's, is not what will wake her up. It's your way of trying to repair or change the H in the past...…..but, she's done with the past, so it won't work. You can't go backwards to fix things. Maybe you need to stop trying to be the H you wished you'd been, and become the man you need to be. Stop trying to convince her or persuade her about anything. Leave her alone, and let her go.

The WW respects one thing, and one thing only...…….strength. Therefore, she has to see everything you do as coming from a place of inner strength. Now, before your mind starts jumping into some "nice guy" scenario where you play the martyr while she slaughters you and stripes you of every fiber of self-respect...….let me explain that she does not see that as being strong. She does not respect a man who lets a woman walk all over him...….even if he loves her. She respects the man who stands up to her and puts her in her place (so to speak) when she's out of line. He stands up for himself, instead of cow down and apologize.....hoping that will settle her down. He's not afraid of her anger. The WW has developed a mindset that is cold and hard. She's not the girl you M. So, forget trying to impress her or persuade her with some soft, goody-goody 180 behavior.

You can be the nice guy and try to win her back with cotton candy techniques (like an apology letter), but it will only fill her with disgust. She may, or may not, be obvious about it. But, she will take advantage of you. The WW is going for whatever benefits her most. Why am I telling you all this stuff you don't want to hear? B/c I am being "real" with you, and telling you to stop searching text/emails and stop trying to find your old W in this wayward woman that's come out of the MR. The only hope of reaching her is for you to change your nice guy behavior and learn how to stand up for yourself. WW's need tough love. I'm not endorsing any type of abusive behavior. If you aren't familiar with "tough love", I recommend you google it.

You may not be able to stop the D proceedings. That doesn't mean the two of you can never get back together in the future......if that's what you want. Currently, the boat is sinking and you've got to save yourself. So, get a plan of action in how you'll survive this crisis. I suggest you get your eyes off the M and off the WW, and save yourself. You can't save anything else until you save yourself. I suggest you not use "her" lawyer. Her lawyer is looking out for her best interest......not yours. Sorry to say, but you cannot trust your W at this time. Do whatever you have to do to protect your finances, property, retirement plan, etc. If you have children, be sure you get them, at least, 50 percent of the time. Be fair, but that's all. Giving her more will not make her feelings change toward you.

Now is the time for you to evaluate your standards and principles by which you live. Don't compromise your integrity or your moral/spiritual beliefs, trying to get back a woman who doesn't want you. Be a man of honor and courage, and do what you believe is right. These are the things to focus on during a crisis.

Based on my reading, I am leaning towards writing a letter that least apologizes for some of my failings as a H.

Please don't. This is your NGS telling you to submit to her, regardless if you're really guilty or not. I'll bet that in the past, you would apologize whenever she acted cold, angry, moody, and you didn't even know what you were apologizing about. It was your go-to plan for fixing whatever was wrong with her.....and you figured it must be something you did, so you'd say, "I'm sorry". This is just your old way of trying to fix things, and she will not respect it.

I can see how it can/will be considered as pursuit, but at this point what else can I lose. We are getting close to the point where we will start discussing a settlement, if I continue my current course of radio silence I will probably end up divorced anyway and wondering why I did not at least try one last time.

You are saying, "Why didn't I try what doesn't work, one last time". It doesn't work!!

At this point, what can you lose? Right...….so why don't you do something different? Why don't you follow what we are telling you? If your way worked, don't you think we would be shouting it from the roof tops? Do you have any idea how many LBH's have tried what you are wanting to do? I've read hundreds of stories like this...…...and not ONE worked successfully by sending an apology letter.

My intent it to explain what I have learned over the past few months and how I see now how I contributed to a break down in the M. I also want to apologize for making her life difficult with my passive aggressive behaviors and indecision. I did a really poor job of saying I am sorry in the past.

Hero, listen to me. She doesn't care! It's too late for all that stuff. She doesn't care what you've learned or how you think you've changed......and she won't appreciate how sorry you feel for past offenses. Just don't do it.

I am sorry if I am being so bull headed, but this is now day 3 of feeling like this is something I have to do and re-reading all of Sandi's threads (even though I think I am dealing with a WAW/MLC not a WW) and MWD's books again have not convinced me to stop.

Well, that's a common reaction, too. Just for the record, MWD does not separate WW and WAW. She lumps them together, which is okay, except the WW usually requires a little tougher love. Do you know why it's tough? B/c it's tough for you. Just like with no contact. It's tough, isn't it? Have you conquered it yet? No, b/c it's tough and you don't like doing it. If you can't manage to stop contacting her, how do you think you will handle a divorce? Don't you think she should experience just a little taste of how life will be without you?

I wouldn't say you are bull-headed. You are in a state of panic. I'm not pro-divorce, but I have not seen anyone die from it yet. Life goes on. In some cases, it gets much better. Stop clinging to someone who doesn't love you and treat you well. Hold your head up and maintain your dignity.

If you have to persuade someone to love you......what does that say about your self worth? Become the man who has attractive attributes (self-confidence, assertiveness, decisiveness, male dominance, leadership, pride, high standards, etc.) and it will draw those who are of quality, and you won't have to persuade someone to love you.