Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this. Pt 2

[Turbine]

Well, I slept on it and let it simmer in my head until now. I was hoping for some brilliant thought to have reached me in the process. Nope.

I have been playing a few scenarios in my head. I do that a lot. Conversations I would like to have with her. Even before the BD. Usually falls apart on my side after word two or three. Whatever. You would think after 31 years I would be better at talking to her. I digress.

So she wants me to pony up for a repair on her car. My name isn't on the title (I think) and definitely not on the registration with the state. So my current thought is I won't help her with this bill (pending input from lawyer). She has said she doesn't want me. So this request seems to say she only wants my financial abilities and resources. Our auto insurance allows us to drive either vehicle but beyond that ...

So far the conversation plays out this way for the short version:
No, I am sorry I can't help you.

The longer version adds more:
No, I can't help you. That money has been spent on the lawyer because you are walking away from US instead of trying one more time. You have my attention. I want nothing more than for you to be happy, US to be happy. I admit I am not perfect and there is more I can do. I am working on that. I know my job is not at 40 hours a week. I can only do my very best there to help the company. I have asked you what changes you would like to see in me. When you reply that I know what changes and then don't like what I do and still say nothing... what am I supposed to do.

I hadn't gone to church in a long time. When I would try to explain why or what I had a problem with you told me they wouldn't do that or words to that effect. So after telling me you want a divorce I told you I would make changes, I would be different. I am working on returning to church. So you got angry that I did that. You took actions to get yourself removed from the church. The church is and has been so important to you ever since I met you.

I said somethings I regret the moment I said them. You said somethings that hurt too. I am so very sorry that I did say them. I wish I could take them back but like everything in the past it is done and unchanging. Not just words. Actions.

I would like to spend the rest of my life with you. You don't want to spend it with me. Every time I see you there are a tidal wave of emotions and memories that hit me. All of them, good and bad. I cherish the good ones and those stay but the bad ones I regret and they still hurt me. It seems you have only the bad ones and are holding them all against me. I don't blame you. I want to tell you I understand and I forgive you. I doubt you would believe me though. I wish I could take away your hurt.

I don't have an answer as to why going back to church now is happening. Maybe before wasn't the time. You asked me for so long and I didn't listen. There has been so much wrong and demanding in our lives that we didn't take the time to remember the "OUR" part in that.

You weren't happy when we went to the Philippines for our 30th. That was a very expensive trip. I am glad we did though. Yet you seem to be mad I didn't want to go before. I did. I didn't feel we could afford it though. Not with the five of us, and all the other expenses.

End of thought
Yeah, so much to say and right now, while I want to, she doesn't. I can't imagine getting through all of that with her and not getting an angry outburst. So where do I, where do we go from here.