Hi Ruby, I'm so very sorry for what you are going through. I just read through your posts. I see a lot of similarities there, but some differences too.
We do have kids, so unfortunately there is some connection there that will always be there. Always some chance that I will see or hear things I don't want to. Both of my H's PAs have been with women who were 6 years younger than him, so not so offensive. Although 23 years is a huge age difference. Hard to believe they have things in common, that she will want to care for an old man when in a vibrant part of her life, and there could be much meeting of the minds with generational gaps there.
What I am going to say is true of my situation, because that is really the only one I can speak to on these issues. I don't mean to judge anyone and these are very touchy subjects fraught with pain and stress.
I have never, ever blamed the other women. They did not make any promises to me or my children. Even if they threw themselves at him (which I doubt) he is the one who made the commitments and should have steered clear. The first PA was clearly a borderline. They had an underground affair for 3 years. Then I found out about it and they went back and forth for 10 months. He kept promising it was done, and then kept going back. Then I kicked him out. I heard from her later that she lost interest in him 3 weeks later. He circled in toward home for a few months then took up with the second PA. She has three kids, is quite impoverished, is religious, a drinker, has a big family and a big dog. He always been an atheist, was completely opposed to drinking (but now has become a drinker at age 48), hates family and doing things with family, and hates pets. When you see how absurd these relationships are in terms of fit you can truly appreciate that they just took up with the first person pathetic enough to get involved with them.
He was very unkind to me for the last 12 months he was in the home and the first 12 he was out. Since then he refuses to see me or talk to me, but constantly pokes at me and tries to get my attention by doing things (sometimes kind, but usually unkind). I think this too has made it easier to be indifferent to him.
At the end of the day Ruby, I choose me. I choose my happiness, my children's happiness, and my future. I think it is kml who always says to let go or be dragged and that is so true. There just comes a time where your shift in focus goes from what you have lost to what you are losing by not letting go.
I know my H is miserable. I saw the phone records early on when he and the first PA were hanging up on each other and calling each other back thirty times in a row like crazy people. When she called me she told me he talked about killing himself and what was the point of going on. He behaved like the same zombie he did at home. He has been on online dating sites the whole time he has been with the second PA. If life was that wonderful, why would he do that? I more or less goaded him into filing for divorce, but he still can't see it through. He doesn't seem to be able to let go.
I think in our case he is afraid of me. I know the legal system and I've already done things that have put some fear into him in the case. I also know things about him that will be very detrimental to his professional life.
Ruby, the person he is now is an absolute mess. I deserve so much more than that. Sometimes I would think about what it would be like if he came back (he did once for a week and was awful to us). I do not want to live like that anymore and my children don't either.
I was able to take my glasses off early on and see him and our relationship for what it was at the end (not at the beginning, that was long ago and he is a different person now). I am no one's second choice. I am a once in a lifetime kind of woman and I deserve to be with someone who gets that. If he isn't out there, then I choose me. Just as I am for now and eternity.
In my view you can't be friends with someone who lies to you, abandons you, breaks their promises, breaches your trust and leaves you without much thought. They want to feel like a good guy, but they aren't. When they can come and go and come and play nice, they don't have to feel like a bad guy or feel the consequences of their choices. I am polite but informative with mine. He gets nothing more than that.
We all take the time we take to let go. But I do think Michelle and her theory are correct. Until we really let go and they feel that (and boy will they test you again and again to see if you really have let go), they are not worried about losing you. I read somewhere that the better the marriage, the kinder the wife, the safer they feel in living that other life. Mine now knows that I am gone. He knows the kids are gone. He has moved in with OW2 and her kids and is living the big life in a crappy, small house, in a crappy, small town. He is welcome to that life.
What do I think the recipe is? Time and valuing yourself. Stop being there for him. Don't let him see you sitting there on the shelf. Let him go off to his dream life abroad with his crack with a pulse and wonder what you are doing and how your life is going and who is there with you. Another of my favorite poems by AE Housman ("Is My Team Ploughing"):
“Is my team ploughing, That I was used to drive And hear the harness jingle When I was man alive?”
Ay, the horses trample, The harness jingles now; No change though you lie under The land you used to plough.
“Is football playing Along the river shore, With lads to chase the leather, Now I stand up no more?”
Ay the ball is flying, The lads play heart and soul; The goal stands up, the keeper Stands up to keep the goal.
“Is my girl happy, That I thought hard to leave, And has she tired of weeping As she lies down at eve?”
Ay, she lies down lightly, She lies not down to weep: Your girl is well contented. Be still, my lad, and sleep.
“Is my friend hearty, Now I am thin and pine, And has he found to sleep in A better bed than mine?”
Yes, lad, I lie easy, I lie as lads would choose; I cheer a dead man’s sweetheart, Never ask me whose.
Choose you, dear Ruby. Choose you. He made his choice. Now let him live it. You do you.
